


The Fan Fiction Graveyard

by Mister_Spock



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-11-28 04:19:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 37,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11410071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mister_Spock/pseuds/Mister_Spock
Summary: After recently finally finishing a WIP I had posted and removed, I completed it, posted it and realised that the time for that fic had really passed. There wasn't the interest in it anymore.I have so many stories that I want to write and so many left unfinished, it can feel overwhelming.So, this is my collection of stories that have now been left too long for me to return to them.I present them here for you to enjoy, with no chance of them ever ever ever getting updated.Some of these I may be re-imagining. So you may see the plot again, somewhere down the line.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This follows a theme that they originally touched briefly upon in STB, but got cut, which I think is a great shame. It dealt with McCoy having to use a weapon and how he feels about that.  
> This theme is currently being used in a new story, so this was no longer something I needed to complete.

It was a blur of colour. 

It was hot and fast and loud. The noise he remembered the most. Trying to yell over the roaring engines nearby. 

Kirk was been out cold. Some device sent him flying and knocked him out and Spock had gone straight after him, as soon as he realised the Captain was helpless. Except that was the plan.   
Get the Captain and First Officer out into the open and then capture them. 

And he was there, hidden in the depths of the shadows, shrinking into the darkness while the lights around him grew brighter and the sound louder. 

He woke up, sweating but paralysed with fear. It took a moment for the fear to pass and then he was released from the grip holding him immobile. He could sit up and breath deeply.   
He'd tell himself it was just a dream all the while knowing that the very thing that scared him the most about it was all too real. 

Deciding on an early breakfast, he ordered a strong black coffee, not noticing Spock's presence until he turned to face the room, cup in hand.   
Spock had clearly noticed him already as he was clearing his plate away and vacated the table before McCoy had even taken one step towards him.   
Not that he was even heading over to Spock anyway. He went over to a different vacant table, adamant that Spock's presence in the room had little effect on what he did and sat and sipped his too hot coffee in a bad mood.   
And the day had just started too. 

Once he finished his breakfast he sent a quick message to Jim, asking if the headaches were any better before he settled in for a day in sickbay. 

~


	2. Extinct

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock is being manipulated by outside forces to do something truly unthinkable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after Beyond. Spock and Uhura are not together and this is set after the crew have resumed their 5-year mission. The story flits between the present and the past, but it's clearly indicated.  
> This story has never been posted before, as far as I can recall.

**"** I don't understand.”

 

“To me, it is quite clear Captain.” The Admiral replied. “The documentation you have been given is extensive and shows this issue has been going on for far too long. As you can imagine, getting such a message from New Vulcan was very surprising to us. The issue is serious and we hope you can deal with it. We will be checking up on your progress.”

 

“You're dismissed, Captain.” Another Admiral at the meeting added. “I suggest you work on fixing the problem.”

 

 

**Six Months Earlier**

 

Spock sat down at his desk as the incoming message from New Vulcan flash on his screen. He played the recorded message.

 

“Greetings Spock. I hope you have had the chance to meet the requirements of this message and are able to play it at a suitable private location. I need not remind you that this is for you and you alone to see. As you are aware, the toll taken on our race since the loss of our home planet has been grave. Not only from the initial devastation but the suffering of those bonded to ones who were lost. Your own suffering has been greatly reduced due to your mixed heritage. For that you are lucky.”

 

“As our race continues to decline at an alarming rate, I have received word from your Father of your intentions to return to New Vulcan to help rebuild. In light of Ambassador Spock's demise, I understand why you considered this a reasonable solution, however, we are looking to strengthen our race, not further weaken it. We desire only racial purity at this time. Your eagerness to help pleases me though, Spock and I shall be in touch should I think of any way in which you will be able to assist us, in your limited capacity.”

 

 

**Now**

 

“So what was it about?” Bones asked, leaning against Jim's desk.

 

“I don't know exactly as they never really said. Something to do with Spock and New Vulcan. I have some huge documentation to read that's classified. I got the distinct feeling I was being told off though.”

 

“What, you?”

 

“I was shocked too.” Jim smiled. “Ugh, I guess I need to have a look at this.”

 

“I'll leave you to it. We'll get dinner later.”

 

~

 

Jim sat at his desk once McCoy had left and gone to the first part of the document, a summary of what this whole thing was about. While he'd been told of an issue that had something to do with Spock, it had all been rather vague and he'd bee told to read through all the documentation. He opened it up, not sure what to expect. He knew that someone on new Vulcan had taken the issue up with Starfleet which is why Jim now sat with these extensive files.

 

He assumed maybe they were annoyed with Spock not being Vulcan enough, or the crew not being culturally sensitive to Spock's heritage- something that had been blown out of all proportion.

The first page was a summary of what was contained in the file.

Jim had to read it three times to make sure what he thought he read was correct.  
  
And all at once, he understood the words, but not what it really meant.

 

**Then**

 

“Spock, it was pleasing to hear from you. And I am grateful that you have heeded my advice.”

 

Spock felt a surge of pride that he had done what the Vulcan elder had wanted. There had been a time when he had rebelled against what the other Vulcan's expected from him but now he found he sought to be included in his race once again.

Despite leaving the VSA, he still lived his life as a Vulcan and inclusion was important to him.

 

“As I am sure you have come to realise of your own accord, it is best that someone like you does not weaken any bloodline. Either a human or Vulcan mate would have their own bloodline weakened by reproduction with you. That you have reached such a conclusion alone is truly remarkable. Your human side does not affect your logic as greatly as I had heard.”

  
He stopped the recording.

 

Did they not think he should have a human mate either?

 

Spock had accepted some time ago that a Vulcan partner would be inappropriate. He'd considered he may be a more viable partner now, due to the loss of so many Vulcans but it seemed he was incorrect with his logic.

But he did not consider the elders would not want him to father a child with a human partner either.

He had not reconciled with Uhura yet, though they had made a lot of progress. But he knew children were part of her future plan and until today, he had considered it part of his too.

He needed to meditate on the matter.

 

**Now**

 

“You've been quiet all evening, what's up, Jim?” McCoy asked as the door closed to Jim's quarters.

 

“It's just this thing with Spock. I just- I have a lot of stuff I need to read through and it's going to take forever.”

 

“You love reading.”

 

“I like literature. This isn't exactly the same thing.”

 

“I'm not trying to pry here, Jim but you seem more stressed than usual about this.”

 

“I'm fine. I just need to get on with it.”

 

“Well look, I know it's confidential but if you need to take a break from it, you know where I am.”

 

“Thanks, Bones.”

 

**~**

 

“Sit down, Spock.”

 

“Captain, I have much to attend to. Will this take long?”

 

“It takes as long as it takes,” Kirk replied.

Spock visibly reacted to the comment and Kirk felt a twinge of guilt. He was concerned enough that he ignored it though. He needed answers. “Sit down.” He repeated.

 

Spock moved to the chair that had been pulled out for him and sat. His body language stayed tense and any thoughts he had about this being informal was clearly misled.

 

“I had a meeting yesterday,” Kirk said, sitting down himself behind his desk. “It boiled down to Starfleet wanting me to find out what's going on with you.”

 

“I do not understand, Captain.”

 

“You spoke to your Father recently, correct?”

 

“Yes. But I do not-”

 

“Your conversation with your Father is private. But whatever you said to him concerned him enough to take it up with Starfleet. I need to know what's going on. And in case you need reminding, I have the power to pull up all your personal communications should I feel it necessary. I'm hoping it won't come to that.”

 

Spock didn't say anything.

 

Jim pressed on. “I've been thinking about you a lot. I hadn't really noticed it but you've been very reserved recently. Distant.”

 

“I have been working on a project-”

 

“And your efficiency ratings dropped. Four percent. Not a lot by normal standards but yours never dropped before. Not with everything else you've been through. What's changed?”

 

“I have nothing to say on the matter.” He was closing up.

 

“Okay.” Kirk leant forward to his computer. “As of now, your access is denied to any and all of the ships computer systems.”

 

“Captain, my project?”

 

“Is that all you care about? You realise effectively you are off duty as well right now, don't you?”

 

“Am I dismissed?” Spock asked.

 

“No. I want you here while I access your personal communications.”

Spock's visible reaction to that statement was so human it took Jim by surprise.

 

Jim started the process to block Spock's access to the computer systems. Yet Spock wasn't able to see what Jim was doing. He looked somewhat calmer but as Jim started to use the computer there was a wildness to Spock's eyes.

 

He stood suddenly and with the sort of raw power present in all Vulcan's, he grabbed at the computer, ripping it from it's docking on the desk and flinging it across the room.

 

“Spock!” Jim called as the half-Vulcan made his way out of the door and into the hallway.

 

Jim waited for the door to close before he exhaled loudly. “Computer, monitor all Commander Spock's movements and actions. Continued feed to my personal PADD.”

 

Jim picked up his PADD and left his quarters.

 

~

 

“He did what?” Bones said after Jim recalled Spock's reaction to their conversation.

 

“Scotty's sending someone to sort it now.”

 

“And you've not gone after him because?”

 

“Because he knows I'm on to him. Whatever he's doing, he's going to try and do it quickly before I recover. The ship's computer is monitoring everything he's doing.” Jim waves it in front of McCoy briefly.

 

McCoy grabs the PADD to see for himself. “Er, Jim. I think he just outfoxed you.”

 

Jim turns the PADD over himself and can see for himself that the list of Spock's actions has changed.

 

**Commander Spock if offline**

 

**Commander Spock is offline**

 

**Commander Spock is offline**

 

“Damn it.”

 

**Then**

 

“Spock, it is pleasing to hear from you. Some of the elders have been disappointed with my continued support of you considering your involvement in what happened to Vulcan. I am willing to overlook your part in the disaster but others are not so kind. To most the disaster that befell our people lays firmly with you. They will not see it as another's fault.

 

In light of these revelations to myself, I consider it unfair to ask you not to ask you to marry a human if that is your choosing and to raise a family with her. You will know better than anyone what will befall that child and if that is the fate you want to bestow upon them, I applaud your bravery.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the plot?   
> Spock was being manipulated into thinking he was worthless and had no value to Vulcan society.   
> The present time was alluding to Sarek getting involved when he fears Spock holds no value for his own life and demands to know what's been happening. Jim is dropped in the deep end with no idea what's been happening at all, and getting dragged in to sort it out.


	3. Fracture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock continues to suffer after effects of the brutal attack carried out on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had intended to continue the story 'Fracture', but I wasn't sure where to take it. This was the attempt I made to write more for it.

“Okay, so unless there are any questions, I think we're done here. Lieutenant Uhura can you stay behind, there are a few upgrades on the comms system I need to get your input on. Everyone else dismissed.” Kirk said. 

The others called for the meeting, left the room, just Uhura staying seated. 

“I had no idea there were upgrades due, Captain,” Uhura said once they were alone. 

“There's a small upgrade but that's not why I asked you to stay. I don't want to speak out of term here, but I've noticed you've been somewhat... distracted lately and I wanted to check everything's okay with you.”

Uhura smiled, but there was a tightness to it. She didn't want Kirk to see the truth. “You're right, I have been a little distracted but nothing's wrong. I'll make sure I'm back on top, Captain. If that's all?”

“Is it Spock?” He asked. When she didn't reply, he pressed. “He's been a little off himself.”

“With all due respect, Sir, if you're having issues with Commander Spock, that's between the two of you. I'll make sure I'm focused on my job.”

“Understood, dismissed.” 

~

Jim joined Bones in his office after seeing Uhura. 

“Well, that was a waste of time. She didn't say anything.”

Bones looked over to Kirk. “Maybe because there's nothing to say.”

“You've really not noticed anything off about Spock or Uhura?”

“I don't work with them on the bridge, Jim. But, when I have been there, I haven't noticed anything off about either of them.”

“I know it's not just me. Something's wrong.”

“Well, I'm due to stop by to see Spock for a check up now he's returned to duty. I'll see how he seems, ask some questions if I think anything's wrong, how's that sound?”

“That sounds great. Thank you, Bones.” 

“Don't thank me, I haven't done anything yet.”

“No, but... I'm worried and I know if something's wrong, you'll see it.”

McCoy gave Jim a reassuring smile, unsure what he'd let himself in for.

~

Spock had allowed McCoy into his room but he knew the Vulcan wasn't happy about the intrusion. He took stock of the room. It was impeccable except the pile of PADD's on the desk. Spock was often much more organised than to allow work to pile up in such a way. 

“This is off the record, Spock. I need to know how you're doing and what I can do to help. Jim's starting to notice and I've bluffed and denied noticing anything myself but I can't keep that up forever. So tell me what you need.”

“I can not sleep. It is affecting my work and my relationship with others.”

“Bad moods?”

“I would not say that. Perhaps... strained relations.”

“Okay. I can give you something to help you sleep and something to lift your mood.”

“I do not wish to take anything.”

“I know, but if you don't, Jim is going to bother you until you slip up and there's nowhere to hide. If this helps, it'll buy you the time you need to recover yourself.”

“You will not tell him, will you?”

“Of course not. Under no circumstance will he hear anything from me. Unless you go off the deep end and I have to say something for your own good. That's why you're going to take these, to stop that from happening, right?”

Spock nodded in agreement. 

“You look exhausted. You're off shift for the next couple of days, I'll clear it with Jim. I want you to do nothing but rest.”

“I am already behind on reports, Doctor.”

“Tough. The reports will wait.”

“Jim will know something is wrong if I fall behind on-”

“I will take care of Jim. No work. No reports. Got it?” He moved over to Spock's desk and picked up the PADDs. “I'll take these with me. Jim can handle them. And whatever he can't complete he can give back to you when I say.”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“Good. Now, your Doctor's orders start now. I'll come and check on you later.”

“That is not necessary.”

“But I'm gonna do it anyway.”

~

“Come,” Kirk called out. 

Bones walked in, the stack of PADDs from Spock's quarters still in his arms. “Here you go, you just got yourself some extra work.”

“Bones, what the hell? I have enough of my own to do without-”

“You're so worried about Spock that's why you're behind in the first place. I convinced him to take a couple of days rest.”

“How did you convince him to do that? He's stubborn as hell.”

“I'm the CMO. I bullied him into it by threatening to make him go on forced leave for all the shore leave his missed if he didn't take a couple of work-free days.”

“Thanks for this, Bones.” 

“I just hope you still thank me once you've made your way through this backlog.”

~

It took Kirk the best part of a day to catch up on his own reports and those of Spock's he could also complete.   
There were some that were for the Science department so he had to leave those but once night came they were in a much better place.   
It was late once he'd finished catching up and the lack of physical stimulation lead Kirk to the gym.   
He paused outside Spock's quarters, wanting to check on his friend, but he decided to allow him some peace and quiet, concerned Spock might think he was checking up on him for the wrong reasons and kept to his original destination. 

~

The pills McCoy had given Spock sent him into a deep, heavy sleep. 

Yet when he woke he felt numb and slow. He felt heaviness in himself and his mind slow and sluggish. He disposed of the rest of the pills, not prepared to suffer the side effects.   
As soon as they were gone, he went back to bed to sleep off the rest of the effects they were to have on him.


	4. Abnormality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Vulcan Syak tries to convince Spock that he's a mistake the whole world is trying to correct.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm making the events mentioned in 'Yesterday's Child' (TAS) canon, in which we learn that Spock almost died as a child but an 'Uncle' saved him (but really, it was Spock going back in time to save himself). I would normally not count anything from TAS as canon because if I did, that means there's a giant version of Spock living on a planet, somewhere in the Universe and that doesn't bare thinking about!
> 
> Interesting note: this fic is saved under the working title 'I wish you were dead, Spock'.

“Okay Spock, get some rest and I'll be back to check on you shortly,” McCoy said. 

The Yorktown medical facility was state of the art, but Spock would much rather be in the housing facility that the rest of the crew had been assigned too.   
He hoped he could convince McCoy that he was well enough to be discharged upon his return visit. 

He had his mind set on meditation when his thoughts were interrupted by a presence at the door. 

“Greeting Spock. I am Syak.” 

“Syak, I am honoured by your presence. Does your visit have a purpose?”

“It does.” He stepped into the room and pressed for the doors to close for privacy. “It was no secret that Ambassador Spock ended up here from an alternate reality. I believe there has been a great disservice in the Vulcan timeline- one that only you can correct.”

“I am afraid I do not follow your line of thought, Syak.” 

“Tell me, Spock, did you have a near-death experience as a child? One that you were saved by a Vulcan much like yourself?”

“Yes.” 

“Spock, I believe that Ambassador Spock lived his life with deep regret. Something that you are on the path to follow.” 

“I do not understand.”

“Ambassador Spock lived a long life. But it should not have been. As you know yourself, even your birth was not natural. You were forced into life against nature. Nature is trying to reclaim you. A mistake that should not have happened.”

“You are saying that I should be dead?” Spock asked. 

“Spock, I am only telling you what you already know. You almost died as a baby, more than once but doctors kept you alive-”

“As is their job-”

“When it is a natural being, Spock. You are not natural. I have looked through your files and Ambassador Spock's. There are far too many times when death has tried to claim you and you have managed to survive. I do not say this to be cruel, Spock but your existence, in any reality has devastating consequences. Planets wiped out. Ambassador Spock was responsible for Romulus and Vulcan being destroyed.” 

“Romulus was nothing to do with him-”

“He vowed to save that planet and failed. Consequently, Vulcan was destroyed. A destruction that should have included the loss of your life. Your ship does not come under fire so often for no reason other than the fact that you are on it. How many of your crew died this time? How many more will die before you believe me? You are an abnormality. I shall leave you to consider my words.”


	5. Infected V.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock + Parasite = Hell. 
> 
> Spock becomes infected with a potentially deadly illness. McCoy must work out what exactly they're dealing with while Kirk needs to keep Spock safe enough for the cure to found, and Spock's time is running out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the original version on Infected I started to write
> 
> This is based loosely on a film called 'Contracted' which is about a deadly STD as was described as a 'body shocker meets zombie' film. I would say this is quite a few steps farther away from that as I didn't want to make Spock get a deadly STD. That's just no fun at all. So I modified things up quite a lot and came up with this.   
> Also Spirk. :D

It wasn't until the evening of the third day of shore leave that they knew something was wrong. 

Spock joined Kirk and McCoy at their table. A banquet was lined up on a table for the guests to help themselves too and Spock seated himself, a plate of food piled up. 

Kirk laughed despite himself seeing it. “What are you doing, Spock? Feeding the whole table?”

Spock shot a glare at Kirk. “I believe the table can feed itself, Captain.” Spock said. 

McCoy looked across to Kirk and shared a confused gaze with him. McCoy's eyes went from Kirk, to the plate. It was piled with some sort of fish product, something the Vulcan would not normally have picked.   
He watched and waited, wondering if this was some sort of prank Kirk had talked Spock into. But even as he thought it, he watched as Spock picked up a piece of the fish flesh with his fingers, not a usual act for a Vulcan when it came to food, and started to consume it.   
He watched in silence, as did Kirk, as Spock sat, eating the plate of fish with an unusually aggressive hunger. 

“Spock?” Kirk eventually cut in. Spock made no attempt to stop or even acknowledge the Captain. “Are you okay?”   
Spock didn't answer however, just continued eating until McCoy slid the plate away from him between mouthful's. Spock froze as the plate was removed, his eyes fixed on McCoy with what the Doctor would have called a 'dead eyed' stare. It looked cold and hollow. 

“You don't eat fish, Spock.” McCoy said.   
Spock looked past McCoy to the banquet table. McCoy knew what the Vulcan was about to do, and to save drawing attention to them all, he slid the plate back across to the Vulcan. “It's okay, I'm not going to deprive you of your food,” McCoy assure him. Spock instantly went back to eating.   
“When was the last time you saw Spock before today?” McCoy asked Kirk, ignoring the Vulcan seated with them. 

“The second day here, in the morning.”

“And he was okay then?” 

“Honestly, I was so hung over.... first day of shore leave, you know?” 

“You went out drinking the first night?” 

“Yeah. Spock came with us. Kinda the chaperone for the group.”

“Who else was there?”

“Sulu, Chekov. Briggs and Morton, I think. Uhura stopped by for a bit. I can't remember much after that.”

Spock finished the plate and sat there, staring at it.

McCoy stopped questioning Jim and watched the Vulcan. “You want some more?” he asked. Spock seemed to react slowly, to the empty plate, the sound of McCoy's voice before he looked at him and replied, simply. “Yes.”

McCoy stood and got a fresh plate. Took a large portion of the fish and bought it back to the table. He slide it in front of Spock who resumed eating mechanically. 

“This isn't right, Bones? What the hell's wrong with him?” Kirk asked. 

“Beats me. Lets just keep him happy for the moment and try and get him back to the ship as soon as possible. Preferably without us drawing any attention to him.”

Spock abruptly stops eating. Then there's the unmistakable spasm of someone about to be sick. Both Kirk and McCoy recognised it. 

“Spock, remember you have Vulcan control, okay? Control and I'll find us a bathroom, okay. But you have to control it first.” Bones said. 

Kirk was already up and asking someone as McCoy and Spock got up. Kirk got direction and lead the way, fast passed and failing to look casual. They got into the private room but Spock made it no further, contents spilling onto the floor. After a couple of retches, Spock dropped to his knees, still vomiting and now knelt in his own mess.   
McCoy shared another look with Kirk as he leant over Spock, holding his head to stop the sickly Vulcan pitching too far forward and ending up laying in it.   
“This is worse than you with a hangover,” McCoy said.

“We need to be beamed up from here. We can't take him out there like this.” 

“See if you can contact the ship,” McCoy encouraged. Kirk nodded and headed out of the bathroom. Spock had stopped retching for the moment. “You done?” McCoy asked but received no answer. He hoisted Spock to his feet and took him to the toilet. “Here, if you're gonna puke again, at least do it in the bowl. McCoy left him and got one of the cleaning units from the wall and put it beside the mess. It quickly cleared the floor and McCoy attached it to the wall again, where it automatically emptied the unit again. He returned to check on Spock seeing the Vulcan slumped against the wall.   
“Feel any better?” McCoy asked. 

“I am hungry,” Spock muttered.

“We'll get you back to the ship and sort you out.”

“I am hungry,” Spock repeated. 

“I know. It's okay.” McCoy reassured. Kirk entered the room again. Scotty's working on it. Should be a couple of minutes tops.” It didn't take long until they were beamed back onboard the Enterprise.   
McCoy had quickly wiped away some of the mess on Spock's trousers so he at least looked clean, even if he didn't smell so good, especially up close and personal.   
They took him straight to sickbay where McCoy gave Spock a shot, sending him into unconsciousness. He let out a sigh of relief when the Vulcan's form slumped down on the biobed. 

“First things first. Let's get him in some clean clothes.” McCoy said, deciding Kirk could be his nurse, rather than disrupting someone elses shore leave. “Just in that drawer down there,” McCoy said, pointing. He removed Spock's blue tunic, black undershirt and black trousers, leaving the Vulcan in his underwear. “What the hell is this..” McCoy muttered

Kirk came over with the change of clothing and looked to see what McCoy had found. The Vulcan had dried blood stained on his thighs. Kirk froze. “Has he been...”

McCoy was already grabbing a tricorder and adjusted it to Spock's settings. He ran it over Spock's bodies and the machine beeped several times. McCoy adjusted the machine a few more times but had the same thing. He set it to scan a human and waved it over Kirk. The machine stayed silent as he scanned the healthy human. “He's readings are way off.” McCoy said. He once again adjusted it to Spock's settings and scanned him, ignoring the beeps from the machine. “His blood pressure and heart rate are lower than normal. And his breathings slower too. But, those are all things that a Vulcan can control.”

“Why would he do that, though?” 

“Right now we don't know that he has.”

“What about the blood?”

“It's not showing up that he's got any injury or trauma that could account for it.” He scanned over Spock's abdomen. “There's no injury showing, but I think the bleeding is coming from his stomach or intestines. Maybe he picked up some type of virus that caused the bleed. I'll have to run more tests to see what exactly is going on with him and how to put a stop too it. Anyway, let me clean him up and then we can dress him” McCoy got to work, Kirk handing him anything he needed while keeping his distance. Spock deserved some privacy. When McCoy stopped and was studying Spock again, Kirk became anxious. “What is it?” he asked. 

“The skin here looks dead.” He took a sample of the skin and set it aside before he took a cloth and rubbed at the dead looking skin. As he wiped across it, a clump slipped off revealing raw flesh underneath. “Shit.” McCoy said. “I need my people back on board for this.” 

Kirk nodded “I'll recall you a team.” he said heading out. 

~

McCoy lead his team back to sickbay after the briefing. 

“Jim?” he called as he entered. The bed Spock had been on was empty and the Captain nowhere to be found. He sighed and went to the communication unit on the wall. “Captain Kirk, please report to sickbay.” he said. He turned to the staff that were waiting. “Get started on Spock's blood and tissue samples. We need to find out what's happening to him.”

“Dr McCoy. It's Scotty. The Captain and Mr Spock just beamed down to the planet.”

“What? McCoy exclaimed. 

“Aye, Sir. I thought it was strange. Mr Spock did not seem to be himself but Kirk insisted I beamed them down.”

“Find them for me. I'm coming down.” 

“Aye Doctor.” 

~

“Jim?” 

His face was patted gently, bring back consciousness slowly. 

“Bones?” he said before he even opened his eyes. 

“It's me. Are you okay?” 

“I prefer a neck pinch to a punch in the face but they still hurt,” he said, rolling his shoulder as he sat up. 

“What happened?”

“He woke up and he was really agitated. I tried to get him to stay where he was but he wouldn't stay put so I tried to talk him in to going back to his quarters to rest but he said he didn't need any rest and he was fine.”

“Yeah, he's textbook fine right now,” McCoy scoffed. 

“I figured at least if I was with him, I could keep an eye on him. But once we beamed down and I got him into a quiet area, he clearly knocked me out and left me there.”

“Scotty's trying to locate him now”

“Is he a danger?”

“It's possible. He clearly wasn't acting rationally and we don't even know what's wrong with him or how whatever he has is spread.”

“Is he in danger?” 

“With what I've already seen from this, I'm very concerned about him. We need to find out what happened to him, when all this started. That'll give us an idea of how things develop. We need to find Spock, but I need to be on the ship working on a cure for this.”

“You go. I'll find Spock.”

~

He woke up slowly, eyes feeling heavy. His head was resting against a cold wall and he soon observed he was in a bathroom. He noticed he was wearing something a sickbay patient would be dressed in and vaguely recalled being there with Kirk and McCoy. There was a large green stain on the front of the top and as he stood on unsteady feet, he noticed he emerged from a similar wet green puddle. 

He needed to be on the ship yet he wasn't certain how to get there himself right now. He had nothing on him, no communicator and he was covered in his own blood. 

He moved to the sink and drank from the tap. He then used some water to wash his face. He looked in the mirror when he was done and barely recognised himself. The whites of his eyes were tinged with green and his skin had an unhealthy pallor to it. His sensitive fingers ached and he flexed them trying to ease the discomfort.   
There was a sharp constant pain in his abdomen that increased when the water he drank hit his stomach. He was lurched over the toilet, green blood forcing it's way from him, clotted and thick. 

A knock at the door, and he froze.

~

There were times when Kirk was eternally grateful for his crew.

While McCoy had a number of his medical staff recalled for duty, it didn't take long for word to spread about what exactly was happening and before he knew it, half the crew were spending their shore leave searching for the Commander. Kirk thought he was going to stay allusive until Uhura comm'd him that she'd found someone who had seen Spock within the last hour. 

The pair split up and covered as much of the area as possible. Kirk literally tried every building he could and knocked on every door that was locked. 

He knocked twice on the current door without an answer and was about to move on when a strange sound within stopped him. He listened carefully at the door and heard what he could only think of as a choking sound coming from inside. Kirk pulled his phaser out and changed the setting, aiming for the lock on the door. He fired and the door was opened almost instantly. 

The room inside was a mass of green smears over the floor. Kirk rushed over to the stricken Vulcan who was struggling over the toilet. “It's okay, it's okay, it's okay,” Kirk assured him as he knelt down beside Spock.   
It took seconds for Kirk to realise something was lodged in Spock's throat and he was attempting to bring it up. He was panicked, fighting for air and Kirk pushed fingers into Spock's mouth. Teeth scraped against his skin as he tried to force his hand back, to reach the obstruction. He felt something and grabbed it, pulled it as hard as he could and some mass pulled free, Spock dissolving into desperate gasps for breath and in between them, desperate retching again. 

Spock clasped the rim on the toilet with one hand, his whole body shaking and trembling and with his other hand, he held onto Kirk's sleeve so tightly, Kirk was surprised he didn't rip it off. 

“It's alright,” Kirk reassured him as he used his free hand to reassure the Vulcan. He quickly stopped though and pulled his communicator out instead. They had to get back to the ship if Spock was to get some help. He called Scotty and told him to beam them both to sickbay. 

“Do not leave me,” Spock said, voice shaking as much as his body. 

“I'm not going anywhere.” Kirk assured him. 

~

Kirk was surprised when he didn't get beamed up as soon as he called Scotty. 

He called again, to make sure everything was okay, and he assured him they were just making preparations for Commander Spock that Dr McCoy had ordered and it should be no more than five minutes. 

When they were eventually beamed up, Jim was somewhat surprised to see the brig was where they had been beamed too. 

“Bones?” Kirk questioned. 

“I'm sorry Jim, it's for his own good. If he gets out again, I can't guarantee we'll get him back in time to save him. Besides, he needs to be quarantined. It's a safer way for all of us. The whole ship has been decontaminated while he's been off, including the staff. We've all be screened for infection and have got the all clear. We'll test you as soon as possible and get you out of there.”

“I'm not leaving him in here on his own, Bones.” Kirk said. “You need someone in here with him anyway. There's no point risking anyone else when I'm right here.”

“I'm sure this is against protocol,” Bones muttered. 

“To hell with that.” Kirk replied. Spock was still on his knees where he'd been on the floor and he was still clutching Jim. “Okay Spock, let go for one minute and let me get you some clean clothes okay.” Spock didn't immediately let go, but he did loosen his grip and eventually released Kirk. “That's good. I'm not going to leave you, I promised you, okay?” 

“I'll get you something fresh to wear as well,” McCoy said busying himself while Kirk stripped Spock of his dirty clothing and pulled on the fresh robe McCoy had provided. “Put the dirty items in that shoot and they'll be incinerated.”Kirk nodded and did what he was told. 

“I'm going to need another robe. He's still bleeding right now.” Kirk informed McCoy. 

“Badly?”

“No, it's slowed down but it's still coming.”

“Just get him settled down and I'll be in as soon as I can.”

Kirk nodded. The room had been set up thoroughly enough. There was a biobed and a bunch of equipment and machinery that Jim had no idea what it was for. He got Spock on his feet and onto the bed with some effort. Spock seemed to be fading, his energy levels plummeting but as Jim had moved him, his hand had found Jim's shirt and he now had an iron grip. “Spock?” The Vulcan's eyes opened slightly at the call of his name. “I'm staying with you, okay. You get all the rest you need.”  
His eyes slipped shut again. 

By the time McCoy returned Spock had been still and silent for close to 10 minutes. “Sleeping?” McCoy asked. 

“Yeah.” Kirk said, who had perched on the side of the biobed, unable to move any further away. 

“I'd offer you a chair but I don't think you'd make it that far.”

“I think he must be pretty delirious to be acting like this,” Kirk said sombrely. 

“You're probably right. If he were conscious he were doing it, he'd get all Vulcan about it.”

“Have you come up with anything yet?” Kirk asked. 

“No cure, but we think this should help with some of the skin issues.” McCoy went to the patch of dead skin earlier and smothered it in a thick cream. It mixed with the wet blood and turned a pale green. 

“Shouldn't he be cleaned up first?” 

“Normally, yes, but I wiped his skin earlier and it fell off. I don't dare wash him clean right now until we can get him in better condition. If this helps, we can bathe him a mild solution which will help clean him up and remove the dying skin but help with the regrowth of the new skin.”

Kirk nodded. “Listen, once you've finished in here, I want you to make the crew that you don't need to go back on leave. The fewer people around right now, the better.”

“Yeah sure,” McCoy said dismissively. “Most of them know though. They're not exactly having a blast either way.” McCoy hooked up a few monitors and machines to Spock and injected some hypos too. “Okay I've done all I can here. I'm going back to the labs to try and work on this thing.” he pointed to the alarm behind the bed. “That is for if you need a nurse. Someone's gonna be just across the hall on standby so don't worry about using it and disturbing us.” 

“Okay,” Kirk said. Bones pushed a different alarm into his hand. “This one will alert me personally. Anything bad, you call me. Understand?”

“I've got it. Now go. Find out what's wrong.”

~

Kirk wasn't even aware he'd fallen asleep until something woke him up. 

He looked at Spock, who was still unconscious, though he looked less settled than earlier, as though the drug were starting to wear off. He assumed it was Spock's state that had woken him and he picked up the PADD McCoy had left there for Kirk. He started to check some messages he'd been sent when he felt the same sensation that woke him. Something nudging against his arm. He brushed his hand against his arm and there was nothing there but as he inspected the area, something caught his eye. Something underneath Spock's robe was pushing against the fabric from the robe. It was in line with Spock's rib and Kirk carefully pulled the material back.   
He gasped in shock, stepping hastily away from Spock and pressing the button frantically for McCoy. 

~

McCoy ran the whole way to the brig, frantic with worry due to Kirk's continued pressing on the button. 

It had stopped when he got half way there, which worried McCoy even more. Arriving, he saw Kirk literally as far away from Spock as he could get in the limited space between them. 

“Jim?” McCoy asked as soon as he got within earshot. 

“There's something... something in him. Like some... living thing.” Kirk said, voice clearly shocked. 

“I'm coming in,” Bones said, grabbing a mask and gloves before entering the room. For his part, Spock looked confused and delirious and at least he wasn't attempting to move, though he was sat up and clearly in distress, most likely not helped by Jim's reaction.   
Bones ignored Jim upon entering and headed straight over to Spock, gently pushing him back on the bed, encouraging him to relax. He started to get upset as soon as he lay down and become agitated and McCoy pressed the controls for the restraints which snapped in place over Spock's wrists and ankles first. McCoy pressed again, indicating the prisoner needed a better restraint and another set snapped up across thighs, upper arms, across Spock's waist and across his neck. Spock's thrashed around in a panic and McCoy gave him a strong sedative to knock him out again. 

He grabbed a laser scalpel and went to the hole in Spock's abdomen, cutting it larger. 

Kirk calmed himself down and made his way closer, grabbing a pair of gloves and pulling them on in case McCoy needed any help. “Can you see anything?” 

“Nothing good so far. Organs are shutting down or dying. If I don't get this thing out now, he's not making it another day.” After some silence, McCoy suddenly spoke up again. “Okay, I got it. Get me that container over there Jim.” Moments later, McCoy lifted a long dark creature out of Spock's body and dumped it into the container Jim was holding. They sealed the lid on it and Bones turned back to Spock, while Jim looked at the creature. “It's kinda like a leech.”

“Whatever it is, it's done a lot of damage.”

“At least it's out of him now,” Kirk said, feeling some relief. 

Bones looked over to him, worry etched on his features. 

“What?”

“There's more than just one.”

~

“So here's what we've been able to gather,” McCoy said talking to Jim as he checked Spock over. “We're calling it a leech for now, seeing as no one is sure exactly what it is. It does behave in some ways like a leech. It does feed off blood. It releases it's waste into his system which is what his body has been expelling anyway it can.”

“So if it feeds on his blood, we're safe, right?” 

“I would have said yes, except Spock's a hybrid and there's human elements to his blood. I don't think that it could make the leap straight across as our blood is so much richer in copper than Spock's iron based blood, but it's not a chance I'm going to suggest we take.” He finished with his checks on the Vulcan and stepped away from the bed, leaving Spock to rest. 

Kirk nodded. “There's no way we're risking anything. This is too damaging. What else?”

“It's reproduces by itself so once it has a source of food, it lays it's eggs. We need to remove those too as he has a bunch of little leeches going to town on his system still.”

“Is he going to be okay then?” Kirk asked. 

“*If* we can remove all the rest of those things from his body and no organs have been damaged too severely, then he could make a decent recovery.” 

“Not a full recovery?”

“Too many unknown elements to say for certain. But it's possible.” McCoy took a moment and observed the Captain. Kirk was watching Spock rest, both hands grasping the edge of the bed, a finger making the lightest touch against pale Vulcan skin, rubbing back and forward. A small gesture of comfort, McCoy guessed. “Listen, before you get your hopes up too high, there's no saying that removing that leech will be enough. There's a whole list of things that can still go wrong with something like this. I can't give you false hope.”

“I understand, Bones.”

“One more thing.”

“Go on.”

“You can't stay.”

“Bones, I promised...”

“I am not going to risk you, or the crew. It's foolish and I shouldn't have let you stay. Now there's a chance that this could crossover to humans I can't allow you to stay. And if I have to, I'll make this official.”

~

Spock woke alone. 

He was unsure where he was, his mind wasn't clear and he felt groggy and disorientated. And he hurt. He must need to meditate if the pain was this bad. 

Looking around the room, he saw medical equipment but knew he was not in sickbay. Mind still too weary to connect where he was, he decided to focus on controlling the pain. He lay there for close to twenty minutes before he abandoned his attempts at control. His mind was too unfocused to succeed. 

He tried to move, to sit up, but found he was restrained. He looked down at himself so see the metal cuffs across his arms and legs. His chest was bare and there was a blood soaked bandage over his stomach. He felt nauseous seeing it.

“Spock?” 

He turned to the sound of his name to see Jim Kirk standing there. He was on the other side of a glass panel. “Jim,” he said simply, voice weak from disuse. 

“I'm sorry I can't be with you. Doctor's orders.”

“Where are we?”

“We're on the ship. You're in the brig.”

“Forgive me, Captain, I do not recall. What have I done?”

“No, you haven't done anything, Mr Spock. You're here for safety reasons only.” Spock closed his eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I am unwell.” It was a statement but the inflection in his voice made Jim realise Spock needed answers as well. 

“You have picked up a harmful parasite of some kind. The medical team are working on it right now.”

“Their shore leave?”

“Mr Spock, they are medical professionals. They care much more for their patient than they do for frivolousness.”

“Am I allowed water?”

“I'm not sure. I'll call Bones.”

Spock closed his eyes and Jim remained silent while they waited. He must have started to drift as he startled when McCoy gently called his name. “Sorry,” McCoy said. Spock could tell he offered a small smile despite the mask that obscured half of his face. “Doctor,” Spock greeted. 

“Jim said you were thirsty.”

“Yes.”

McCoy released the restraints and assisted Spock in slowly sitting up. He adjusted the bed and pillows, allowing Spock to remain upright in a resting position rather than having to use the energy to remain there himself when he had little strength to spare. 

McCoy got Spock a glass of water. “Just take a couple of small sips for now. I want to make sure you can handle it before you have any more.”

Spock took more than McCoy would have liked but not enough to make him protest. Spock closed his eyes and rested his head back more comfortably. “The parasite?” he asked tiredly. 

“We've removed one. However, you're still infected. We're working on a way to kill them off as trying to physically remove every one from your system would be near impossible.”

“Is Jim still here?” He asks, exhaustion heavy in his voice. 

“He's just taking a break. I'm sorry I had to make him leave the brig, he wanted to stay but I couldn't allow him to. Not when I can't guarantee his safety.”

“I understand. He should stay away. I do not wish to compromise him. In any way.” 

“I think it is unlikely the parasite would make the leap from your blood to ours, but the steps are in place to protect the crew, don't you worry.”

“I fear for more than just his health.” Spock mumbled. 

“What does that mean, Spock?” He paused waited. “Spock?” He realised the Vulcan was either unconscious or asleep. He reclined the bed so that Spock was laying down. He checked over Spock's wound. It was looking a little swollen, the skin puffy around the incision. McCoy expected as much considering the nature of the parasites. Thinking about what he'd seen when he'd removed the first parasite, the other, smaller parasites a thought occurred to him.   
Either they reproduced incredibly quickly, or this hadn't been some freak infestation. Considering the size of the first leech like creature and the fact he'd noticed these smaller parasites, he was wondering about reproduction time with them.


	6. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Jim Kirk was accused of cheating at the kobayashi maru, the attack on Vulcan by Nero interrupted things. But what if that never happened? Well, then Kirk is punished for what he did.  
> Kirk is suspended for cheating but gets some level of revenge against his Vulcan 'friend' by exposing Spock's relationship with Uhura.   
> Now a situation has come about and Spock's life is placed in Jim's hands. The two aren't even friends and Captain Pike is trusting Jim's instincts to kick in and do the right thing. But will the gamble cost Spock his life? And who exactly is out after the Vulcan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An AU of the reboot. I think all the information you need is above. Spock and Kirk really don't know each other and maybe I'm writing them a little nicer than they would be to one another under the circumstances but Jim got his revenge and Vulcan's are above such a petty thing so we'll just leave it at that and creative licence.

 The door closed. Locked.

 

Jim took in his surroundings. He could think of worse places to be locked in. The place was nice. Not exactly homey, it was rather sparse and almost like a showroom, but still nice.

 

“I must confess, when Captain Pike told me you agreed to this, I thought it was a human prank,” Spock said as he stepped into the hallway. His shoes tapped lightly against the polished dark marble floor until he stood, ramrod straight, hands clasped behind his back a few feet away from Jim.

 

“When he asked me I kinda thought the same thing. So someone wants to kill you, huh? Been accusing others of cheating?” It was meant as a joke, Jim told himself. If Spock looked a little uneasy about it, he'd just call it a win.

 

“Technically, I did not call you a cheater. I only wished that you learnt the lesson the test was meant to teach. Anyone can pass a test through cheating, however, they have not truly learnt the material.”

 

“You didn't mind getting the shot in about my Father though, huh? What was that teaching me?” Kirk watched and the Vulcan visibly flinched at the comment. Something uneasy churned in Jim's stomach and he felt a sense of guilt about it. “Never mind. I'm over all that. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't.”

 

Spock quickly recovered from any visible show of emotion. “I shall show you to your room. You may visit anywhere you wish while you are here.” Spock indicated to one door. “That is my room for meditation. If you could knock before entering. If I do not answer, please do not disturb me. Meditation is essential for Vulcan's to remain functional. We prefer meditation to sleep.”

 

Jim shrugged. “Right.” he agreed. He couldn't imagine he'd be banging on Spock's door to talk at all hours.

Spock leads him through to the main room. A large screen covered the majority of one wall. Slick surfaces and minimal decoration decorated the room. “This is the main room.” Another door showed the way to the kitchen. They visited Jim's room, where he dumped his bags while there.

The last room Spock showed him was out of place with the rest of the house. It was warm and welcoming. Shelves adorned the walls, filled with books. Comfy, worn sofas and chairs sat in the middle of the room, a fire the centrepiece, the chairs all turned towards it.

 

“Wow!” Jim commented. “I love this room,” he said as he wandered inside, glancing at book titles. He noticed a crumpled up blanket strewn across the couch. “Looks like I'm not the only one,” he said. Spock picked up the blanket and folded it up, placing it on the back of the chair.

 

“I merely fell asleep here and woke cold. I do not frequent the room. You are welcome to use it as often as you like. I need to meditate now. I shall leave you to make yourself comfortable.”

 

~

 

Jim expected to see something more of the Vulcan than he currently was.

 

After the initial meeting, he was pretty much alone for the next two days. He knew Vulcan's meditated but he didn't realise it would take days at a time. He'd been tempted to just go in and see what exactly Spock was up too. He'd knocked, once. Waited in the silence as no reply came and gave up and headed back to his own room. He'd been through several books by now. Was halfway through the latest on the third day alone, when he wandered into the kitchen to get something to eat. He almost jumped a mile when he saw Spock sat at the table.

 

“I was starting to think you'd died in there. I didn't know meditation was so intense.”

 

“It is not always,” Spock replied briefly looking over at Jim. In the brief glance, Jim saw how awful Spock looked. His eyes were shadowed by darkness and Jim guessed that whatever good meditation did for them, it didn't help if they needed to sleep.

 

“You look awful,” Jim blurted out.

 

Spock looked up at him sharply but said nothing, any annoyance slowly leaving his face until it was blank again. “I am tired.”

 

“So get some sleep,” Jim replied.

 

“I need sustenance first,” Spock stated as he continued to sit. 

 

Jim didn't think that Spock was actually going to do anything about the fact that he needed to eat and sleep, so he guessed he'd do something about it for him. “Well I was about to get something, so what do you want?”

 

“Do not trouble yourself. I shall see to it momentarily.” Spock said.

 

Jim looked at the replicators menu and found something that sounded Vulcan, though he had no idea what it was exactly. The meal came out and Jim slid it across the table to Spock without a word. He picked a drink for the Vulcan as well as a coffee for himself and placed them on the table. He finally ordered himself some fries to pick at and sat down opposite the Vulcan at the narrow table.

 

“Thank you,” Spock said, not attempting to touch the food Jim had got for him.

 

“Are you okay?” Jim asked eventually.

 

“I merely require rest.”

 

“Are you sick or something? Is that the real reason I'm here? Because I have a Doctor friend who would be a lot better suited-”

 

“I am not ill, Cadet Kirk. I shall retire to my room. I may be resting for some time. Do not be alarmed. I have not slept for many nights.”

 

“What about your food?”

 

“I find I am unable to eat at this time.”

 

Jim watched the Vulcan leave, finishing off his fries and coffee before he headed back to the library. He grabbed the PADD Admiral Pike had given him, the one he'd told him was the only device he was to use to contact him.

 

_Captain Pike,_

 

_Far be it from me to question your judgement, but are you sure I'm the right choice for this job? Besides the obvious, I'm pretty certain he doesn't really need me here while he sleeps and meditates and generally ignores me. I even got dinner for him and he just ignored that too._

_What the hell am I even doing here?_

 

_Kirk_

 

He sent the message and picked his book up. A few moments later, his PADD beeped with a message.

 

_Kirk,_

 

_Yes, you are the right person for the job. You think I don't know what I'm doing? The fact all his doing is sleeping and meditating is exactly why he needs you there- trust me on this._

_Make sure he eats something when he wakes up._

 

_I know you know I'm holding out on you here and it can't be helped. Spock can tell you himself if he wants too. Either way, it doesn't really matter. You just need to be there._

 

_Pike_

 

~

 

By the ninth day, Jim was ready to walk. He'd seen Spock twice since he got here, the first day and the brief appearance between meditation and sleep. Six days of sleeping seemed extreme. But Spock did at least emerge after that. Not that he looked any better for all the rest he had apparently had.

 

It didn't take long for Jim to prefer it when the Vulcan was absent. They became some odd couple being forced to live together when they had nothing in common. Jim didn't know how to talk to the Vulcan, and Spock didn't seem inclined to even try. But he did notice that despite not wanting to talk, Spock did seek out his company. He often made his way to the library and would sit with Jim while he read. Jim asked him once if he was going to read anything and he simply stated that the books were 'too human for a Vulcan'. But that didn't stop him sitting there. He would occasionally get out a PADD and do some sort of work on that but a lot of the time, he just sat there, in Jim's presence quietly.

 

“I have to ask, what happened?” Spock seemed genuinely surprised for a moment before Jim continued. “You were having an affair with one of your students, right?” A look of realisation crossed Spock's features and he nodded once.

 

“I was in a relationship with a student. However, it was not as sordid as implied.”

 

“You weren't having sex.”

 

“Correct. But also Vulcan's mate for life. I was not having 'an affair' with this student. I was entering into a commitment with her. We would have married and had children. I would have bonded to her for life.”

 

“Oh,” was all that came out.

 

“Human's do not fully understand bonding. Therefore, it was judged by human standards and I was advised to cut off ties to her. She was.... understanding. I am grateful the bond formed between us had not been completed. It would have been painful for her.”

 

“What about you?”

 

“I am Vulcan. We are able to control our pain.”

 

“That's not really the point. So you're in pain?”

 

“I- I have spoken too much about a private matter. It is unforgivable. I perhaps need more meditation.”

 

“You've slept and meditated for days. Clearly, it hasn't helped.”

 

“Hence the reason I need more.”

 

“So... do it here.”

 

“I need to be uninterrupted.”

 

“I won't disturb you.”

 

“I shall not meditate in front of you.”

 

“I wouldn't mind.”

 

“But I would. If you'll excuse me.”

 

~

 

_Seriously, Pike, I don't know if I can do this._

 

_I'm trying but between being ignored because he's locked in his room for days or ignored because he doesn't want to talk to me when he is out his room... I can't do it. You know me. I need people around me. People who want to at least talk to me on occasion. Can you get someone else for the job?_

 

_Jim._

 

~

 

“Ahem.”

 

It was such an obvious ploy for attention that Jim almost, _almost,_ ignored it. He looked round at Spock who was stood at the door. He looked tense, but he mostly did.

 

“I understand I have been a poor host. Vulcan's pride themselves on being considerate hosts. Please accept my apologies.”

 

“It's no big deal. I take it Pike spoke to you?”

 

“He sent a communication telling me to 'do better'.”

 

“Look, it's not like you have to be here like 24 hours a day, but I'm kinda a social guy. I just miss having someone around.”

 

“It is a reasonable request. Captain Pike suggested you were rather a keen player of chess. Perhaps you would care for a game.”

 

“That would be great.”

 

2.

 

Chess, it turned out, changed everything.

 

They both enjoyed the challenge the other provided, which lead to discussions about how they learnt the game and tactics they employed during said game. Which in turn, lead to discussions about the Academy which was more or less a normal conversation. At least when considering where they started from.

 

“So tell, why am I here?” Jim asked one evening, a few weeks into his stay.

 

“You know why you are here.”

 

“I mean, I know what Pike told me, which wasn't much.”

 

“What did he tell you?”

 

“He said that was a threat to your life and that you needed to stay here.”

 

Spock had hold of his Bishop and toyed with moving it before removing his hand and resting it in his lap. He didn't say anything for a while, contemplating his words carefully. Jim waited.

“My Father had been on a diplomatic mission on Earth. He, and my Mother were heading to a shuttle bay for transportation when they were attacked.” He paused a moment too long, searched the room and his eyes fell on Jim briefly before travelling downwards, watching his own hands in his lap. “The shot was fatal.”

 

Jim gaped at Spock in horrified silence.

 

“My Mother had been the intended target. For what reason, we do not know. The attacker was able to escape. A note tied to the handle of the knife simply stated 'I will come for all you care for, Ambassador. And save you until last.' That is all we know. My Father returned to Vulcan. He wishes to protect other members of the clan.”

 

“Why did you stay?”

 

“Because surely all being in the same place will make us an easier target. When I informed Pike of what had happened, he insisted on finding someone to maintain my safety.”

 

“Lucky you.”

 

Spock nodded.

 

“I'm so sorry about your Mother.”

 

“As am I.”

 

“Shit. This just seems insignificant now.” Jim said, indicating to the game of chess.

 

“It is a lot to take in. I apologise for the blunt delivery of the information. I would like to take some time to meditate on the matter. I have not had much luck in successfully meditating on the matter.” Sock said as he rose fro the chair.

 

“Do it here,” Jim said, almost desperately. “I'll be silent, I promise.”

 

Spock nodded. “Very well, I shall attempt if. However, I would like to get a few things that make meditation easier first.”

 

“Do you need any help getting them?”

 

“I will be fine,” Spock said. Then, “Thank you, Jim.”

 

And Jim knew it wasn't just a thank you for the offer of help.

 

3.

 

Jim put the book on the table and rubbed at his eyes tiredly. Almost 3 in the morning. 

 

The lack of doing anything was starting to make sleep near impossible and he wished for a gym. He wondered if they could get some boxing gear sent here. He glanced over at Spock who was sleeping in the armchair. It didn't look that comfortable but Jim wasn't waking him just to get him to move.

 

He got up off the couch, grabbing the thin blanket and draping it over the Vulcan carefully as he made his way to the kitchen. He needed a drink, maybe a snack too.

He headed to the sink and flicked the cold tap up, running the water and splashing some in his face. The house was just a little too warm for his liking. He knew it wasn't set to normal Vulcan levels as he'd be sweating constantly otherwise. He turned the tap off and grabbed a towel, wiping the excess water from his face.

 

He jumped a little, seeing Spock's reflection behind him in the glass of the window. “Shit, Spock you-” he stopped short.

 

It wasn't Spock.

 

He spun round as the intruder headed towards him, blasted Jim in the chest with his phaser. He crashed backwards into the counter and crumpled into a heap on the floor. The intruder was on him in seconds, grabbing Jim's face with both hands and smashing Jim's head backwards.

 

~

 

Spock awoke with a start.

 

The phantom noise echoed into silence and Spock sat there waiting for it to return. He turned to see he was alone and as he went to sit up, he noticed the blanket covering him. A human act, he noted, remembering how his mother used to do such things. A gentle pain in his side caught his attention as he thought of her, especially here, in this room. It had always been her favourite room too. He wasn't surprised by Jim being drawn to it, not even by his own yearning to be here.

He felt heartache and loss and loneliness and for a moment, he allowed himself to feel it. Closed his eyes and made friends with that empty, black hollow feeling.

 

He opened his eyes eventually, forced himself too despite wanting to stay buried in the past. The warmth he felt from them would only leave him colder when he dared to leave. He exhaled heavily then opened his eyes.

 

The face looking back at him was unfamiliar. Arched brows and tattoos adorned his face and a coldness in his eyes that seemed utterly inhuman.

He moved the second Spock opened his eyes jabbing something into his shoulder and a coldness radiated from it. The effects were instant. Spock felt his body seize up until he was frozen in place, limbs heavy and useless.

 

“This is how I like to see you, Ambassador.”

 

“My Father is the Ambassador,” Spock corrected, weakly, finding words not quite as hard to manage as moving.

 

The attacker smirked. “Your Father is the Ambassador, yes.”

 

“And you come to kill me, to make him pay. Like you killed my Mother.”

 

Another smirk. “I should have been more careful in my wording. In my time you are Ambassador Spock. It is you I have come to seek vengeance against.” Spock tried to speak but no words came out. He wasn't sure if that was the surprise of the words spoken or whatever was flowing into his body. “This is only because I could wait no longer to see you. A quick taste of what is to come.”

 

It was odd. Spock could feel the impact the attacker had on him but felt none of it. He wondered why someone would seek to inflict damage on him when he felt nothing. The attack was short and not as vicious as Spock would have suspected.

His attacker stood upright, Spock left sprawled on the couch.

 

“I am Nero. And I shall be back to finish the job I started, Spock.”

Whatever was pumping drugs into Spock's system was pulled from his shoulder. Nero removed the bottle, dropped it to the floor and pulled out a different coloured bottle, loading it into the machine. This time he pierced it into Spock's sternum, a smile playing across Nero's features. 

“I will leave you with a distraction for now. Enjoy.”

He took out a thin blade and pressed it into the shoulder and ground it back and forth, opening the wound. Spock could feel the movement, the tearing of flesh, the blood running free, but felt no pain. Maybe just a slither of pain.The knife was withdrawn as Nero then picked up the bottle he'd discarded, crushed it in his hand and poured the shards of glass into the bleeding wound rubbing them in so they embedded into Spock's flesh. The knife was inserted back into his shoulder, a gasp of pain emitted from Spock's mouth as he felt it, before Nero stood.  

He barely noticed Nero exit as he started to feel the pain from Nero's attack as his body throbbed and his shoulder burnt, but the overwhelming urge was the darkness. He let himself sink into it.

 

~

Consciousness came to him slowly.

 

Everything had been so mundane, it took him a few moments to realise the attack. When he finally did, he staggered upwards and stumbled out of the kitchen, head pounding. “Spock?” he yelled as he struggled through.

When no answer came he feared the worst.

 

“Fuck!” Kirk cursed spotting the Vulcan slumped on the couch. _'He's dead, he's dead, he's dead'_ Kirk murmured to himself over and over as he went over to the Vulcan.

“Spock?” Kirk said, grabbing Spock's face to check for any bruising to account for his unconscious state.

 

Spock's eyes shot open. “Jim,” he replied.

 

“Thank God. Are you okay?” he asked automatically even seeing some blood and bruising evident. “What happened?”

 

“Someone got in.”

 

“How?”

 

“I do not know. But he has a name. Nero.”

 

“I'm getting onto Pike.” He stated and started to move away but paused and turned back. “Are you hurt? Do you need anything?”

 

“I am injured but nothing life threatening.”

 

“Okay.” Kirk turned again and grabbed a communicator and called Pike. He felt nervous as hell making the call, he could puke he felt so bad.

 

When Pike answered sounding dishevelled and more than a little exhausted Kirk cursed himself and checked to see the time. 04.57. Shit. “Captain Pike, I'm sorry to call so early....”

 

“It's okay, Kirk. I'm guessing calling this early it's not good news.”

 

“Afraid not Sir. Somehow, someone got in. I-”

 

“He dead?” Pike blurted out.

 

“No! We're both fine. Spock's injured but he said it wasn't life threatening.”

 

“I'm on my way. Sit tight.”

 

As soon as Kirk was done with Pike, he sent a comm to Bones via his PADD asking him to get to him as soon as he could and gave him the coordinates. He went back into Spock to see that he had sat himself up a little more straight, trying to look like he was okay, but there was a slight hunch to him that said otherwise.

“Where are you hurt?” Kirk asked, crouching down beside the couch.

 

 

 

 


	7. Apparently 'Part Two'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is mysteriously saved as 'Part Two', but I don't know what it's part two too!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions non/con

Spock headed to sickbay like a man condemned. 

He did not want to be there but he had found what he considered the best way to deal with the situation.   
McCoy greeted him when he entered and took him to a private room. 

“Doctor, I shall not require your assistance in healing my wounds.”

“Now wait a minute Spock...” McCoy began. 

“Please allow me to explain. I shall initiate a Vulcan healing trance that will help heal my injuries and allow me to put some order to my thoughts. It is the Vulcan way, Doctor.”

McCoy frowned but nodded. He wasn't going to force Spock to be treated in a way that made him uncomfortable. “And after this is done, I can run a full scan to make sure you're healed like you say you will?” 

Spock nodded. “I have added a medical note to my personnel file that only you can access that will reassure you on the changes that happen to a Vulcan during a trance. This should give you peace of mind as to what is happening as the results can seem... troubling if you are unprepared.”

“That's fine, Spock. Let's get you on one of the biobeds and get started.”

~

Much later, McCoy joined Kirk and Uhura for lunch. 

“How's Mr Spock?” Kirk asked when the doctor joined them. 

“He's healing in his own way,” McCoy said. 

“You don't seem upset by that,” Uhura remarked. 

“I should be?”

“You usually have something to say about Vulcan voodoo.” 

McCoy just raised his eyebrows and said nothing. 

Uhura sighed. “There's something going on and you won't tell us what.”

“I can't tell you. I'm a doctor.”

“I'm his girlfriend.”

“And he might tell you when he's ready.”

“I can't believe it bothers you so much,” Kirk chimed in, 

“It doesn't bother you?”

“It bothers me that I know there's something wrong and I can't help, but he's Vulcan and not likely to open up like that. It's... sad I guess, but that's his culture. I don't know, I always think it must be hard being Spock. Vulcan emotions run deep and they have to have logic to stop them from killing one another in their rage. So, there's all this really strong emotion which they don't want to let out. But then he's also half human. I mean, how do you balance it? Because humans aren't logical. I don't know, it's gotta be hard for him.”

“I gotta go,” McCoy said, heading back to sickbay. 

~

The shuttle would take 20 minutes to reach the planet and land. 

“Can I ask you something?” Kirk asked. 

“You may ask me anything, Captain,” Spock said. He did not specify whether he would answer or not. 

“What happened to you? I know something happened because I know you, and I know Bones. You don't have to tell me if you don't want too. I just... we're friends, right?”

Spock took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Friendship has nothing to do with what I choose to tell you, Jim.” 

“I would tell you. I would tell you anything.”

“You do not tell me everything, Jim. You keep things that hurt you to yourself. That is a human trait.”

“You're half human.” 

“I have been raised fully Vulcan.” Spock countered. 

“Okay, you don't have to tell me anything, you're right. You are Vulcan. I'm sorry”

“An apology was not needed,” Spock said. 

They fell into silence. Spock monitored their progress. 

Kirk sighed. 

Spock considered whether or not to tell Jim the truth, or at least, a partial truth. And if he told Jim, he would have to tell Nyota something- he could only push her away for so long. He inhaled and went to speak. 

“Don't,” Kirk said. “I'm sorry, it's not fair to wait until we're alone like this and make it uncomfortable. If you want to tell me then you can when we're back on the ship in a few days. And if you decide you don't want too, that's okay too.”

~

“Captain, may I ask a question,” Spock said as they were in the shuttle for the return trip. 

Kirk was nursing a swollen and bruised jaw from a disagreement on the planet. “Sure Spock,” he said, mangling the hard 'k' sound at the end of his first officer's name due to the painful jaw he was sporting. 

“Are you embarrassed by what happened?”

“This?” He pointed to his own jaw. “Uh-uh. It's jus' somethin' that happen'd” he said. 

“Then I feel I should let you know that the same thing happened to me. The thing that was 'wrong' with me.”

“You were beat up?”

“Assaulted, yes Captain.”

Kirk thought back to when he went to visit Spock. His embarrassment, the unruly mess he'd found him in, compared to his usual pristine standards. It made sense. Spock was ashamed he'd been beaten up and had covered it up. “You shouldn't have worried. S'nothin' to be worried about.”

“Yes, I believe you are right, Captain.”

“You're okay now though, right? Bones took care of you?” Spock nodded once. “Good.” 

~

“Oh hey, Bones. Spock told me,” Kirk said as Bones checked him over after the Captain returned a little worse for wear.

“Told you what?” Bones remarked, busy finishing some paperwork. It was late, Sickbay was empty aside from the pair. 

“About what happened. The assault.” 

“He.... he told you. I got to say, I'm surprised he did.” McCoy frowned. “When did he tell you?”

“Today. On the way back. I told him he could trust me when we were on our way but told him to think about it and I wouldn't ask again. And then... he told me.”

“What did you say to him?”

“Told him he didn't have any reason to be embarrassed and if he was okay now.”

“Well, I gotta say it's nice to know he finally told someone. I didn't think he was going too.”

“C'mon, I know everything's a big deal to Vulcan's but he only got beat up, you know.” McCoy didn't say anything for a moment but nodded quickly when his mind caught up with him. 

“Well you know Vulcan's...” he said dismissively. 

Kirk watched McCoy. Studied him and McCoy knew that Jim saw through him. “Assault?” Jim questioned. 

“That's correct.”

Jim nodded but didn't say anything else. He didn't need too. 

~


	8. Unbonded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock & Uhura are having trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My one and only attempt at doing something with Pon Farr.

He doesn't notice anything for a long time and he realises, afterwards, he should have seen signs sooner. 

The first time he notices is after a head of department meeting. They break into gentle banter afterwards and Spock abruptly gets up and heads for the door. 

“Spock?” Kirk calls out after him and receives a frosty “We are done, are we not?” but he doesn't wait for a reply to the question as he marches through the doors. The conversation picks back up, Spock's behaviour shrugged off. 

~

Spock and Uhura are looking strained together. 

They sit together at lunch, bodies slightly pointed away from one another, awkward silent tension hanging between them. 

Kirk doesn't sense it until he's sat down and then wishes he could get a beam out to anywhere else. He tries to gloss over the unease by asking Uhura a question about work, but she leaves, excusing herself to 'something she forgot to do'.   
Spock watches her go.   
And once she's gone, he stares after her.   
There's a longing there and it's pouring from him so obviously that even Kirk can see. 

“Is everything okay?” he asks.

Spock gives an odd twitch of his head but says nothing.

~

Kirk watches them more. On the bridge, in the rec room. 

They are putting on an act.   
And they're both appalling actors. 

Spock reaches out to her often, tries to physically touch her- hand, face, steal a kiss and she always pulls away or moves out of his reach.   
And the longing from Spock is back. In his eyes. They're bright and clear and only for her.   
And he expects to see a reluctance from Uhura, but all he sees is desire and love back.   
So it makes no sense. 

Kirk hates mysteries. 

~

He doesn't know it's going to happen, but Spock does. 

He hears him gasp out a quiet 'No' before everything becomes chaotic. It's loud and like a never-ending car crash, but it's just in his mind. And when it's over and he's gasping for breath, he looks to see if Spock's okay and sees tears trailing down the Vulcan's face.   
Uncontrolled and raw. 

He feels it but barely registers the fact until he's suddenly on the transporter pad, on his knees like he has been on the planet. 

“Jim!” Calls Bones as soon as he sees his friend. 

Spock staggers to his feet and stumbles from the room. He's not quick enough to stop McCoy noticing the trails of tears. “What the...?”

“I have no idea what happened,” Kirk said, shaking his head. 

~

Spock had left the transporter room and found himself in the hallways on the ship, tears still tracking down his face. 

Horrified, he goes to the nearest ready room and locks himself in. 

~ 

When no one has seen or heard from Spock after four hours, Kirk goes to Nyota. 

She cries but says she'll go and see if he's okay. He's still locked in the same ready room.   
He lets her in but the door closes behind her and Kirk waits for a while but eventually leaves them to it.

Just as he's heading to his quarters that night he passes Spock as he heads to his own quarters.   
The delicate skin beneath his eyes looks oddly bruised, shades of yellow and green and then Kirk realises that if he were human, he'd look like he'd been crying.   
It looked like Spock had tried to scrub away every trace of any tear that may have fallen upon his skin. 

He didn't look up at Kirk once and slipped into his quarters without a word. 

~

Uhura begs him to let her and Spock have two days off together with immediate effect. He's reluctant at first but then thinks of the strain they seem to be in and agrees. 

He's confused then, when Spock reports for duty the next day, dismissing his replacement. He questions Spock gently and he simply says Nyota spoke out of term for them both. 

Kirk drops it and then checks on Spock's efficiency rating over the last few weeks. There's a steady decline, currently 5% lower than his regular consistency. 

“Spock, head to Ready Room one. I want a meeting with some of the crew.” Spock complies as Kirk comm's Bones and Scotty. 

~

Kirk had sent Scotty in ahead of him while he waited at the turbo lift for McCoy. 

“What is this, Jim?” McCoy grumbled as he stepped out and intended to walk towards the ready room. Kirk stopped him. “Promise to follow my lead.”

“Sure Jim,” McCoy said. Kirk lead them into the ready room. 

~

The PADD sat in front of Spock. 

“Care to explain this, Mr Spock?”

“5% is hardly a large percentage, Captain.” Spock countered. 

“Not to most, but to you.”

“Captain, are you implying you hold me to different working standards because I am Vulcan?”

“I expect no more and no less of you than any other crew member. What I do expect from my second in command is some honest communication. Is everything alright, Mr Spock? Do you require some time off from your duties?”

“No.” 

Kirk nodded. “Very well. You are dismissed, Mr Spock.”

“I am to return to my duties?”

Kirk nodded. Spock left and both Scotty and McCoy gave him confused looks, waiting for an explanation. “Jim?” Bones prodded. 

“Something's not right. I just don't know what.”

~

Eventually, Uhura comes to him. 

Asks him to head to New Vulcan. He declines and eventually, she cracks. 

She tells him that Spock's sick and needs to get back to New Vulcan but she won't tell him more. 

He goes to see Spock instead. He's tense and uncooperative but Kirk tells him Uhura came to see him and they are heading to New Vulcan. Spock quietly says “They will be able to do little.” before turning his back to the Captain. 

Kirk stays a moment and watches as Spock struggles to control the shaking of his hands. 

~ 

He'd made a mistake, he realised. 

Kirk had picked Spock to come with him on the beam down to the planet, rather than leaving him running the ship. He considered it the lesser of two evils.   
When the distress call they had received had been a ploy to capture a Starfleet Captain, Kirk realised his foolishness. 

The captor was curious as to Spock's heritage, but they clearly only wanted a Captain, any Captain, to negotiate with. They were kept guarded and one of the larger guards would poke at them through the bars with a strange looking spear which seemed to burn the skin as it stabbed at them.   
They ignored it, the prodding, as much as possible.   
Before long, the scent of their blood was hanging in the thick, stale air of their prison. The guard found no reason to stop his torment though.

One vicious stab to Spock's side, the side of his heart, Kirk realised afterwards, produced such rage in the Vulcan that he had grabbed the guards weapons and slammed him into the bars before he could react, not expecting such fierceness nor speed from the passive Vulcan. 

The spear was discarded on the floor by Spock, Kirk picked it up as the Vulcan did something that produced a wailing scream from the guard, who backed away from the cage.   
Fueled by his rage, Spock slammed against the door over and over until the metal began to bow. He used his bare hands to prise the metal apart, ignoring the blood that seeped from wounds as the damaged metal bit into his flesh. 

Once out of the cage, they quickly recovered their possessions and they were beamed aboard. Scotty was relieved to see them, then concerned when he saw both men were in some degree of distress. 

“Don't worry Scotty, we're heading to sickbay now.”

~

Kirk had nothing but superficial cuts. He knew that. 

But he needed Spock in sickbay. McCoy noted the same few cuts that Kirk sported but Spock's health otherwise seemed to be far off its normal self. All his readings were either too high or too low, dangerously so, in some cases.   
But Spock refused to speak about it and so McCoy discharged him to his quarters. 

He talked with Kirk and agreed that getting to New Vulcan would be the best thing. 

~

Jim pleads for Nyota to tell him something. 

She insisted he had to speak to Spock, that he'd never forgive them for the betrayal otherwise.   
Kirk waited until later to go, but it seemed he picked his moment well. 

He attempted to get Spock to let him in but when his calls went unanswered, he let himself in, a privilege he rarely used as a Captain.   
The room was partially destroyed. The desk in a heap on the floor and two broken PADD's from what Kirk could see. 

Spock stood in the middle of the room, posture stiff yet hands shaking uncontrollably. 

“Let me help you.” he pleaded, grabbing hold of Spock's arms. He was surprised by the intensity of warmth that came from Spock.

“You cannot help,” Spock replied, moving clear of Kirk's touch. 

“Tell me what's happening to you.” 

“It is a private matter.” Spock shoots back. 

“It stops being private when you can't control yourself on the job.” Kirk gave Spock a chance to reply but he said nothing. “Look at you- you're out of control, Spock. I'm your friend, I want to help.”

“You can not help. Neither could Nyota. And going to New Vulcan will do nothing for me either. I am unable to be helped.”

“Help with what?” Kirk grabbed Spock again. “Why the hell are you so hot? You're burning up.”

“I am well aware.” Spock dully replied. 

“I'm your friend. I want to help you.”

“And you will not be able to, even if I were to tell you.”

“So tell me then. What difference will it make?”

“It is a priva-”

“Yes, I know. And it will not leave these quarters.”

Spock turned away from him and Jim thought he was closing down on him. He was surprised when he spoke. “The Pon Farr is a Vulcan mating ritual. A time when I would have been bonded to my betrothed. The time has approached and I am unable to satisfy the urge to bond.”

“But Nyota-”

“Is not Vulcan and for some reason, I am unable to bond with her. We have tried.” That explained the sadness between them. 

“Then try and bond with me.”

“Jim- Captain, it is not-”

“Would it hurt to try?”

“Yes. It would hurt you.”

“I don't care. Try anyway.”

Spock sighed, resigned. He stepped forward and poised to touch Kirk. “This is not to form a bond, Captain. This is merely a mind meld. You will understand afterwards why a bond with anyone shall not work.”

Kirk had no time to respond before Spock's hand were on him.   
It wasn't like he could compare the experience to anything he'd felt before. It was something his mind wasn't used to experiencing and it couldn't cope with what exactly was happening. There were random things that were clear to him. Anguish from others, death cries of the Vulcan's that died. They were in Spock's mind all the time and there were voids. Huge and deep and raging, one was the centre of everything, for all else swirled around it, trying not to be engulfed, the other was smaller, not so strong but still another pitfall in Spock's mind.   
With no comparison, Kirk had no clue what a Vulcan mind should look like, but he suspected this was very wrong. It was a raging mess and this was inside of Spock all the time? 

Before he knew it, Kirk was blinking back at Spock. He felt like he had been crying but his eyes were dry.   
Spock held his stare as he came back to himself. “Now do you understand? I could not ask another to bond to this. And it seems, even when they are willing, it is not possible. My mind is in too much turmoil. Too much damage has been done.”

“It wasn't always like that, though, right?”

“The damage was done with the loss of my home planet.”

“And your Mother...”

“You were correct in your assumption that the large void is due to her loss.”

It was the centre of everything Spock was. What else could it have been? 

~

“What if it is Spock?” Kirk asked one night. 

Bones and Uhura were sat with him. They'd been discussing the matter, trying to find a solution. “How do you mean?” Uhura asks. 

“He said to me that he couldn't ask another to bond to him like that. What if he's subconsciously not allowing the bond.”

“Why would he do that?”

“I don't know,” Jim said.   
But he did.   
~

He went to Spock's quarters. It was late and he had woke Spock up, but he didn't care.

He barged his way into the room. “It's you.” Kirk blurted out. 

“Pardon?” 

“It's you. You are the reason you can't bond because you can't forgive yourself.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Considering he lost his home planet, his Mother and 6 billion members of his species in a day, giving someone a headache really didn't seem like a big deal.   
> Except he knew it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendship fic . Hurt!Spock, emotional torment, pain projection.

“So?”

“His Father's going to talk to him. From what he said, it's best for Spock to keep his distance until he regains some control.”

“I don't get it. Why does he need space? He feels all alone after losing his Mother and planet and the way to solve that is by isolating him?” 

“It's not that simple. By all account, for a Vulcan, Spock's still pretty young. Intellectually, he's way ahead of most humans with his knowledge and skills, but disciplines and mental control he's still learning. So, he doesn't control it as well as he should.”

“He should control his grief over his dead mother?”

“Jim-”

“No, fine, carry on.”

“To react like he did, even provoked, was a massive red flag. And that's because he doesn't know how to deal with the losses. See Vulcan develop bonds with family, telepathic bonds. It's nothing overwhelming, but they always are aware of one another, and they don't pay much attention to it because it's always there, right? But you rip that out when one of them dies and you have a hell of a mess on your hands. You add to that the home planet being destroyed and the rest of the family you're mentally joined with are also grieving or also dead and then top it off with the fact that Vulcan's can feel telepathically if a number of them die. It's been reported more than once when if a colony or a ship is gravely injured, Vulcan's nearby 'hear' the cry from them. Jim, think about it for a bit. Spock was on the planet seconds before it was destroyed. He saved a bunch of Vulcan's, including his Father but wasn't able to save his Mother. Add to that, this void in his mind now. If he's not fully able to control his grief, his mind will look to replace that bond. That's exactly what happened with Uhura.”

“I just... you're recommending he stay away from her?”

“His Father is recommending it, yeah. He did some Vulcan light meld, and he could see that her headaches- constant, painful headaches, are because Spock isn't able to control what his pouring into her mind telepathically. Now, Sarek is going to talk to Spock and help by melding with Spock. He'll be able to shield her from him and strengthen Spock's own controls and shields. It's for his own good as much as Uhura's. She's got this pain but that's just what's leaked in from Spock.”

“I didn't know it was so bad for him.”

“He doesn't want you to know. Or me. He's going to hate that we do.”

“He's going to be told we know?”

McCoy nodded. “He needs some time to heal. Get better. He'll be off shifts for a short while. And he needs to stay away from interacting with anyone until he's got his shields in place and working for him.”

“I didn't think bonds were formed so easily.”

“Normally, they wouldn't be. When he does come back to work it'll be best if everyone is professional when it comes to Spock. Don't push him to interact more than is needed, just let him complete his job. If you've got more work for him, pile it on. That'll be better for him, keep him focused. Absolutely no physical, skin to skin contact.”

“Like I would!”

“Jim, you are the most physical person I know. You can't stop yourself! But anyway, physical contact will encourage him to look for a bond, so don't.”

“I get it. Basically, treat Spock-like he's someone I can barely stand.”

“Won't be that hard, will it?”

“This applies to Uhura too?”

“More to her than anyone.”

~

After four days, Spock was allowed back on duty but to work his shift split half between the bridge and half in the labs. He was able to isolate himself more in the labs than if he were just on the bridge. This would be better for him, he was informed. 

Unfortunately, the first place he encountered Uhura, Kirk and McCoy was the mess hall. He'd already collected himself a small breakfast, his appetite had suffered greatly with the additional strain he was under, and headed to the table they were sat at. He walked over to the table and stood beside the table, addressing them all. “Excuse me?” 

“Spock, please, join us,” Kirk said. 

“Thank you, no. I just wished to inform you of my regret Lieutenant Uhura that I caused you pain while we were in a relationship.”

“Were?” Kirk questioned. 

Spock nodded. “I think it is for the best that we part at this time. If you'll excuse me.” Spock said, leaving the table and sitting at a table alone. 

Kirk turned to Uhura. “Did he just dump you?”

“No, he dumped me two days ago. I didn't see the point of mentioning it. Don't think badly of him about it, okay? He's got enough going on.”

Kirk looked to McCoy. “This is the best thing for him, right? Isolating himself?”

“It's temporary. As soon as his mental focus has been regained enough, he can carry on as normal.”

“It's bullshit,” Kirk said as he stood up and left the room, barely daring to spare more than a glance to Spock. 

Spock felt the strong emotion from Kirk though didn't allow himself time to sort them. He instead tried to block them, but as Kirk left, he felt strong emotions from McCoy and Uhura directed at him. Pity, anger, frustration. He was supposed to be gaining control of himself. He took a deep breath.   
Breakfast left uneaten, he headed to the bridge. 

~

Spock was relieved when his half shift ended, the tension on the bridge seemed unacceptably high. He had no doubt it would lessen with his removal from his post. He still felt waves of anger from Kirk throughout and constantly blocking the emotion was wearing. Instead of reporting to the science labs, Spock headed to his quarters.   
Once in the privacy of his room, he sent a message to McCoy's PADD requesting the remainder of his shift off to work on his mental disciplines. He did not wait for acknowledgement, simply closed off his communication units and began to meditate. 

~

The next day on the bridge was much the same. 

Spock was certain McCoy had spoken to the Captain about his request to his quarters which made him determined to see his shift through. Easing the Captain's doubts would no doubt ease the tension he was sending out.   
At the half way stage through his shift, Spock left to go to the science labs. He did not find it strange that the Captain comm'd him just to check he was there. Clearly, the Captain was having doubts about his ability.   
The doubt blossomed in Spock and proved to be quite justified when he inadvertently crushed one of the glass beakers in his hand. Spock quickly cleaned his hand of the chemical with one of the kits on standby for such an incident and told the assistant who came to aide him to return to their own work and he would attend sickbay. 

Yet, once outside the lab, Spock clasped his injured hand in the other behind his back and headed to his quarters. 

Another failure. 

~

“He left early,” McCoy stated. 

“Did the say why?”

“No. Whoever I spoke to... Palmer? Farmer? Whoever it was didn't see him leave. They had to ask around.”

A weary sigh escaped the Captain. “This plan isn't working Bones,” Kirk stated. “He's not coping.”

McCoy nodded. “I know. But he's Vulcan and there's little else I can do except follow the recommendations from other Vulcan's. Besides that, it's Spock's father. If anyone wants him better, it's him.” 

“Well, maybe he's forgotten that his son is half human.”

“Spock wants to live as a Vulcan. The only reason this is happening is because he can't protect himself from the overwhelming loss he's suffered and if we were in his position, Earth had been wiped out, a loved one just died and we were right there when it happened, I can assure you I'd be more of a basket case than he is right now. We need to give him more time, Jim.”

~

Jim wasn't particularly convinced by Bones wanting to give Spock more time. 

As far as he was concerned, the days he spent with Sarek when he was on board should have been long enough. He expected Spock to be better once his Father left, not still struggling with the problem, having made no progress. 

He entered his quarters, his mood dark and went straight to his desk and checked for any important comms while he'd been with Bones. Nothing that needed his immediate attention he noted as he rubbed away the headache that was developing behind his eyes. He'd shower and head to bed he decided but he noted the shared bathroom was occupied which was odd in itself as he'd actually never known Spock to be in the bathroom, like, ever. 

“Spock? You okay in there?” he called through. 

“Jim, I-” It sounded like Spock knocked something over. “I apologise. I shall vacate the bathroom, Captain.”

“Spock?” he called out again “You're allowed to use the bathroom, I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Take your time. I've got reports to look at.”

“I-” The door opened “I have finished. The room is yours, Captain.” Spock said his face a strained blankness to it. His posture was stiff, hands clasped behind his back. “I shall depart now,” he said taking two large steps backwards.

“Spock, wait,” Kirk said stepping into the room slightly. Spock paused, waited. “Are you sure you're okay?”

“I am somewhat fatigued. I wish to rest, my shields will not hold up with the close contact, Captain.”

“They're already failing, Spock,” Kirk said. As soon as he mentioned it, he felt his headache lessen as Spock tried to strengthen the shields. 

“I must go, Captain.” he said urgently and headed through his own door. 

Kirk frowned as he watched him go. He stopped thinking about Spock and headed to the shower.

~

When Jim woke up in the middle of the night with the worse headache (outside of a hangover) he'd ever had he was pretty sure he knew the cause of his pain. 

He went to the comm unit and called for McCoy to come to his quarters. He didn't wait for McCoy to reply, knew he'd be there as soon as he could. He used his override code to open the door to Spock's quarters entering through their shared bathroom. 

Spock was sat at his desk, dermal regenerator in his hand as he attempted to repair several lacerations on the back of his hand. There was a slight sheen to his skin, not quite sweat and Spock's colour was certainly off too. But it was the look on his face when he saw Jim there that scared him the most. He was clearly in pain and Jim suspected that his shields must be pretty much completely down right now. His own headache grew worse as he got closer, it almost stopped him in his tracks, the intensity was so bad, but he came to stand beside the Vulcan. “What happened?” he asked, looking at the Vulcan's hands. 

Spock dropped the regenerator to the desk. “I had an accident in the labs,” he said. 

“You finished in the labs hours ago,” Kirk stated. Spock just nodded. Before he could say anything else Bones called through from Jim's quarters. “In here, Bones.” 

For his part, McCoy completely ignored the headache. He examined Spock's hands without touching him. Shards of glass needed to be flushed out and he briefly mentioned to Jim how sensitive Vulcan hands were. He gave Spock a hypo and within seconds the Vulcan was slumping forward. The headache lessened dramatically. 

“Thanks for that, Bones.” Jim said, relieved. 

“Imagine how bad it is in there for him,” McCoy said, running his tricorder over Spock. “That's what he's trying to shield from us.”

“Can you help him?” Kirk asked 

“Of course. I'll make sure these are all cleaned up and heal them. That'll deal with the majority of his problem. It was a simple overload. He couldn't deal with such physical pain with all the rest of it. And his off duty tomorrow. I'm sticking him with enough sedative to make sure he misses his shift.”

“He'll love you for that.” 

McCoy shrugged. “What ever's best for the patient.”

~

When Spock woke up his quarters were in darkness. Artificial daylight had been overridden in his quarters. 

He looked at the ship time to find it was almost 1100 hours. His head was still a mess, pounding, and his eyes slipped closed again. His stomach rolled uncomfortably, a sure sign of some medical aide not suited to his unique biology. 

He turned on his side and returned to sleep. 

~

Jim and McCoy met at the end of their respective shifts. Most others came and went but the pair stayed a while longer, enjoying the peace. 

“Any word from Spock?”

McCoy shook his head. “I've been medically monitoring him. He woke a while ago but went back to sleep.”

“I guess that's good,” Jim said. 

“He needs meditation. He needs to work on his mental disciplines, improving his shields. But, more rest certainly won't hurt him. By the way, a number of people that have come to me and told me they randomly had a killer headache in the middle of the night is worrying.”

“What did you say to them?” 

“I said it seemed to be a strange space anomaly and we were looking into it. I could hardly say the First Officer was doing it, could I? Besides, it could happen again so I wanted to leave options open.”

“You think it will? Happen again that is?”

McCoy shrugged. “Here's hoping it's a one-off.”

~

Spock walked into sickbay the following morning. 

McCoy spotted him and said “Get in my office and wait for me, Spock. I'll be there in just a minute, okay?”  
Spock simply nodded and headed to the office. 

It wasn't long before McCoy joined him. “You got my message then. Eventually.” McCoy said. 

“I apologise that it took me so long to arrive. I found myself particularly fatigued.”

“That's okay. Obviously, you needed it.” He didn't say that he found when humans had been dealt a stressful or traumatic experience very often they might compensate with excessive sleep. “How's the head?” 

“I believe the shields are working better.”

“And your hands?”

“Much improved. Thank you.”


	10. Stranded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock is stranded on a planet for months alone.

 

_'Spock? Spock? Can you hear me? Damn! Listen, if you get this message, we're coming in straight after you, okay? But they'll be a delay. We won't know how long until we get more data but it might seem like years to you. But we will come for you, okay?'_

 

Spock was unable to respond but he could hear the Captain.

 

~

 

The sun is hot.

 

Hotter than Vulcan. He isn't worried. He knows how to survive this sort of terrain. Is almost grateful that it was him who was stranded here and not any of the humans on board. They would not fare well here.

 

~

 

His skin was cracking under the heat. Burnt and sore and uncomfortable, even just walking.

 

And when he would sleep at night, he would find the occasional bug crawling on his skin. He brushed them away but had already noticed several swollen green lumps, as though he were bitten.

He would keep going.

He'd find something soon.

 

~

 

When he found his body shivering despite the sun burning, he knew he was in trouble.

 

There has to be something soon, he reasoned. His mind turned bitter and rebelled. _No! There's nothing. The whole planet is a wasteland and it's waiting for your death._

 

He didn't sound like himself. Which was odd enough as he was alone here. He wondered if he was delirious. He had run out of food days ago. Was taking in too little water now.

He needed to find something soon, or the Captain would be collecting his body from the sand, and he'd be no more than a dried husk.

 

~

 

He stopped looking what was ahead.

 

He simply walked. Head down, steps steady and deliberate.

He concentrated on them as he could not concentrate on anything else. He ignored his hunger and thirst, ignored the pain and focused on the need to walk, to survive.

 

Finally, his steps took him off the sands and into a woodland. He walked a short way in until the shade from the trees gave him relief from the sun. He sat then at the base of the tree. He rested.

 

~

 

When he woke, he was still under the tree and his mouth and throat were dry.

 

It was darker and he pushed himself up, despite his overall want to stay. Must move. He searched for water. Snapped stems and dug into the soil, trying to find something to help. There was so little and he wondered how far he'd have to travel to find water.

As he sat under another tree, wondering if this was just a new surrounding for him to die with, he caught a slight movement beside him. He looked carefully. Some native creature with big eyes and ears and that was unafraid of him.

He had snapped its neck before it had even blinked. Pulled it apart and drank anything he could, ate its flesh despite the part of him that said how wrong it was. He muted it. He needed to eat to survive.

When he finished, there was just bones and fur left. He ate everything else, wasted nothing. Because as a Vulcan, he valued all life and if he had to eat something to live, then he would eat it all.

 

He used the back of his hand to wipe his lips and saw the smear of red blood.

 

~

 

By the time he found the stream, he'd already thrown up what he'd eaten.

 

He took two handfuls of water to drink and then cleaned his face before sleeping beside the water.

 

~

 

He woke and noticed something rush away from him as he moved. He didn't get a clear look.

He stripped off his filthy uniform, dust covered, ripped and covered in blood, his own and animals. He lowered himself into the water up to his waist and felt a sense of comfort from the water. He washed his clothes in the same water and then left them to dry on a rock while he continues to wash.

 

And when he was finished he just sat there in the water. The wetness felt good against his skin. He took notice of his physical condition. He had dropped some weight, which was to be expected considering his lack of food. There was some faded bruising on his torso from the impact when the shuttle crashed on the planet. He had removed some metal shards from his leg and arm and the wounds there were mostly healing but some, the deeper ones were sorer than he would have liked. He assumed that his lack of nourishment had affected his bodies ability to heal.

 

~

 

He made a basic camp not far from the water. He found some edible berries and leaves.

 

Caught animals when he could and skinned them. Dried out the meat preparing for a winter on the planet. He didn't know how long he'd have to stay here.

He knew with wormholes it could be months, or years.

 

~

 

He moves further up the river with the cooling of the weather. Eventually, he finds a shelter in the mountain. A cave that is deep enough to sustain him. And then he gathers as much as he can. Wood, food. He stores it, organises himself. And then he waits.

 

~

 

The winter becomes as cold as the summer was hot.

 

He stays in the cave, keeps the wood burning and works through his supplies steadily. He has to go out on occasion. He tries to wait until the milder days. Sometimes there are none.

He sleeps more, in an almost daily hibernation to preserve energy.

 

He keeps the fire burning constantly. He keeps thinking about how long it'll be before the Enterprise gets to him.

 

~

 

Something is wrong.

 

He's been eating less, sleeping more. He has little energy. His stomach is bloated and painful to touch. He doesn't feel 'right' though he can't be more specific. He doesn't seem to be able to analyse quite what is wrong. So he sleeps when he must, and eats when he hurts too much not too.

And he ignored the blood, even though he shouldn't.

 

~

 


	11. The Flame Never Dies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock makes the decision to remain on the Enterprise rather than help establish New Vulcan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: the title of this means nothing to me!
> 
> This was going to be about Spock having to earn the trust of the crew.

“I don't get why you left the position open so long. What were you going to do if he didn't come back?”

“I knew he would.”

“No, you didn't.”

“Well, I hoped.”

“Listen, okay, just for one minute. You worked together briefly for a few minutes and you're acting like it's some divine message. I shouldn't have to remind you that he stranded you on a planet and nearly choked you out in the space of a few hours. And before that, you were at each other's throats the whole time.”

“You don't get it, Bones. It's fate. We're supposed to work together. We'll make one another better because of it.”

McCoy sighed. “Says some crusty old version of Spock? Maybe he's always hated you. Maybe this was his chance to give himself a head start in a new setting.”

“No.” Kirk dismissed instantly. 

“Just no? How can you be sure.”

“He didn't just tell me, he showed me. He melded with me.”

“Dammit, Jim. He can show whatever he wants too.”

“No. I felt what he felt, Bones. It was genuine. He couldn't fake that.” 

~

“I'm glad you changed your mind. I'm just surprised. You seemed adamant that you were going to stay and help the others settle.”

“Ambassador Spock said that he is able to assist....”

“Never mind Ambassador Spock, what about you. What did you want to do?”

“I did not give it much consideration. However, the mission is not especially long. Should I choose to help the Colony settle, I see there is no issue in being reassigned, considering the circumstances.”

“I'm just worried about you. You've been through a lot. I'm not sure this is for the best.”

“I am capable of determining that for myself, Lieutenant.” 

Nyota bristled at his use of her rank. He was closing up on her. “Spock-”

“I have work to attend too.”

~

He had noticed the odd behaviour from the crew but he assumed it was down to human's feeling awkward about the situation of his planet.   
It was what came to his mind most often. He didn't know how many of the crew knew about his Mother also being lost at the same time, but if they knew that, it could add to their discomfort. 

When he sat down to lunch that day, a sparse few cooked vegetables the only meal he thought he might stomach, and shortly after two of the staff left he assumed it was them, as he always did.   
He was barely aware of the other crew member sat a little further away from him until he slid his tray closer to Spock. 

“You know that reaction,” he says pointing in the direction the crew went, “Is because you choked the current Captain on the bridge.”

Spock looked at the man. Medical. McCoy. He recalls McCoy being there when Kirk first burst onto the bridge to warn them about the Narada and Pike said Kirk was McCoy's responsibility. There also appeared to be a hint of anger in his words. They were friends then. “Kirk made it quite clear that his words were chosen to provoke a reaction from me.”

“I know that you know that and Jim knows that, but no one else does.”

“Would you have the Captain make a ship wide announcement to the crew?”

“Maybe you could just try and be a little more.-”

“Human?”

“Let's not pretend that it's not part of your nature.” 

Spock stood up abruptly at that. He stood a moment, the room-silencing somewhat at his dramatic rise before he left the room without another word. 

~

Spock didn't eat anything else that day. 

And when Nyota came to his quarters later, he ignored her, knowing that she would simply go back to her own room when he didn't answer her.   
She would imagine he was meditating, and he should be. But he did not have the will to try and order his thoughts right now.   
His mind was a mess, reeling from the events and he knew that trying to organise his mind right now would be too hard. There was too much he couldn't face right now. 

The talk with McCoy had only made things worse.   
Now he had an inside knowledge.   
They crew- distrusted him? Feared him?   
He wasn't sure exactly how to categorise it. But their reactions to him did tie in with what McCoy had told him.   
But the simple truth was, there was only a handful of crew on the bridge that day, yet he was experiencing the distance from most of the crew. He knew humans had a habit of talking.   
So word had got out.   
He needed to know if it affected the crew's trust of him on missions.   
If it did, there would be no point continuing on further.


	12. The Opposite of Torture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Torture can be many different things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many torture fics verge on obscene in the amount of violence that gets dished out (you know, 'every bone in their body was broken when they started *really* torturing them'), and I wanted to try something different.

He always thought he knew what torture was. 

Starfleet went through it with all cadets. Beatings, starvation, cells, torture, rape. All the things you dreaded. Your worst nightmares come to life.   
And this was none of those things, yet he felt tortured and conflicted. 

His confinement was a cage. A long narrow cage where he had space to move up and down, to pace. A collar of heavy metal hung around his neck attached to a thick chain that suspended from the top of the cage, but he could move around, could lay down.   
The sun was hot here. Not as hot as Vulcan, but warm and pleasant. And it was always warm, being out in the open as he was, he was never cold. The top of the cage was solid, so he was never burning in the sunlight either.   
He'd never be touched by his captors. Stripped of his uniform but left in is black t-shirt and underwear. He wasn't exposed and yet he felt fully exposed. He was in a busy area of the town where he was captured. People passed him by daily but they all ignored him. They could reach inside his cage if they wished. He did not have enough space to move past arm's length if they wanted to grab him.   
But they didn't.  
He was surrounded by beings who were uninterested in his captive state. Uninterested in him.   
They never spoke to him, not even a mocking word. 

And the food- it piled in the corner. When people would walk past, they would stuff items in the cage for him. Always meat. Bloodied, skinned and it remained where they left it, rotting in the corner.   
When he got hungry enough, he ate. Not much, just to stop him starving.   
He felt sick for hours afterwards. 

And when he was finally rescued there was a sense of delight from Jim. 'A little dusty' was how one of the landing party described him as they freed him. Smiling. They smiled. They were happy.   
He was just dusty, after all.   
And even McCoy, after scanning him remarked that Spock was a little malnourished but otherwise as good as new.   
They were thrilled to see him in such good health considering the period of time he'd been kept, but he was fine.  
They kept telling him he was. 

But he didn't feel fine.   
He did not feel like he was lucky.   
They told him he could return to duty in a day or two. If he had been beaten, was bruised, he would have been given longer.   
How could nothing happening have such an effect? He did not want to return to duty.   
The ship felt cold. It always did, but it was colder now, duller.   
It was quiet and empty and people spoke to him when they passed him. He had to remind himself to move when he walked through the busy hallways, not to freeze and avoid their touch. 

He was certain the hallways were narrower now. Everyone was closer.   
And their smiles, vacant and blank- hollow.   
And it felt torturous, but he went back to his shift because there was nothing wrong with him. He was supposed to be okay.   
So he'd return to the bridge and Kirk smiled at him. 'You got the dust off' he said. And then Kirk turned and faced forward and didn't look at him again. Not for days. Not even a word. So Spock sat and waited. His screen displayed numbers and figures but they meant nothing. And space outside was just empty.   
It was just space nothing else.   
But he stayed. Waited to be relieved from his shift. But he never was. Others came and went, but no one came to relieve Spock.   
When he asked, no one heard him. And when he went to leave, he was stopped by the chain around his neck, keeping him in place. 

He was in hell. His own personal hell. 

~

“...it's got to be this slow, Jim. We have no idea why it'll do to him if we don't do this slowly.”

…

…

…

…

…

“...Spock?”

…

…

…

…

“...any improvement?”

“I think so. Slowly. He's coming back to us but it's going to take time.”

…

…

…

…

…

“Jim?” 

“Spock?” 

“Here.” McCoy's voice. Spock felt something wet against his lips and a small trickle of water in his mouth. He was so thirsty he wanted more. 

“What can you remember?” Kirk asked. 

Spock was slow to respond. 

“Being held captive in a cage.” Spock supplied. 

There was a long pause before McCoy's voice sounded. “What else?”

“I was rescued. But the crew... I was a prisoner here too.” 

“He's not making much sense,” Kirk said quietly. 

“Spock, listen you were captured by a group of beings who like to test their captives. You were on a ship the whole time. They pumped you full of some chemical and fed scenarios into your mind. The drugs in your system shut you down enough that your mind supplied all the answers to make it work. Does that make sense?”

Spock's brow creased. “I am tired, Doctor. I must sleep.” 

He sighed softly. “Get some sleep. You're safe now.” 

~


	13. Tender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story will definitely be coming back in a different form sooner or later. :)

Title: Tender   
Summary: Spock is held a captive by a Vulcan hating alien race. Once back on the Enterprise, Spock struggles with the treatment he received and recovery from what was done. But as Kirk finds out, there's more to this alien race than meets the eye. 

 

Tender is the day, the demons go away. Lord I need to find, someone who can heal my mind

 

“Commander Spock, we thank you for attending this debriefing-”

“Your thanks is not required as I was given no choice,” Spock replied, coldly. 

“Yes, well, as you can imagine we are keen to find out the events of the last three months you have spent on Odulos 3.” 

“You are aware of the events. I have been held captive on the planet under false pretences while Starfleet did nothing to assist.”

“Commander Spock-”

“Excuse me, but I do not believe that it is in my patience best interest to be going through this right now,” Doctor McCoy stated in his seat on one side of the Vulcan. 

“The sooner this is completed, the sooner the Commander can return to his duties.”

“He's not fit for any duty,” McCoy cut in sharply. 

“Doctor,” Kirk warned the other man. “Admiral, respectfully, I have submitted all the information to you already. Surely this can wait.”

“I wished to see the Commander's mental stability after his... ordeal. I can clearly see he has been adversely affected.” 

“You expected anything else?” Kirk asked, shooting a side glance at Spock who looked on with a detachment that he was being discussed, yet a fierceness that had been present since his rescue. 

“Can I take him to sickbay, for goodness sake?” McCoy asked. 

The Admiral spared Spock one long lingering glance. “Commander?” Spock's eyes flicked up to meet the Admiral's. “I know what they do to Vulcan's.” Spock held the gaze and said nothing. “Doctor, you and the Commander are dismissed to sickbay. He is to be confined to sickbay for a minimum of two weeks when I wish to hold another meeting with you all before any decision is made on Commander Spock's future in Starfleet.”

“His future?” Kirk echoed.

“Please Doctor, return to sickbay and take care of him. Kirk, please remain.”

Jim looked across to Bones who gave a small shrug and stood up. Spock was slow to follow McCoy's lead, but eventually, the pair left the briefing room, leaving Kirk and the Admiral together. 

With Spock gone, Kirk turned his attention fully back to the man on the screen. “What do they do to Vulcan's?”

“Their own kind of torture which you will find is extremely affective on a Vulcan. There will likely be no bruise or mark on him. Don't let that fool you, Captain.”

“There's no chance of that, I can see there's something wrong.”

“This is just the beginning, Kirk. The Tooans are ruthless and have never had a Vulcan captive for such a long time. Vulcan's have cracked from their treatment in much less time.”

“What the hell do they do to them?” Kirk asked. 

“I'll send across some confidential files for your eyes only. Once you've read them, they will be deleted.”

“You know, it would have been helpful to know some of this before now,” Kirk said. He paused thinking before continuing. “He feels abandoned by Starfleet, you know? And not just you, by this crew, by me.” 

“Once we found out the Tooans had him, we did all we could, but there are political complications that prevented a quicker release of the Commander. It's unfortunate but sometimes, it's like that Kirk.”

“Right, well that's great. I'll tell the crew that. I'm sure it will boost morale after the last three months.”

The Admiral sighed. “I'll put in your orders are to take a month of shore leave with immediate effect.”

“A month?” Kirk queried. “You either feel really guilty or really-”

“Kirk, listen to me carefully. Do not let your guard down around Spock until you are sure you can trust him.” 

Kirk frowned deeply. “Are you saying he's a danger to myself and the crew?”

“The Tooans treatment of the Vulcans is always different, but always effective. I don't know what you'll get from Spock. Read the files. Contact me if you need to. Any more questions?”

“Not right now.”

“Okay, I'll send your orders and the file straight over.”

~

While Spock followed orders to sickbay, once inside, Spock hesitated as McCoy moved into the private room. Noting the Vulcan had stopped following him, McCoy waited at the doorway as Spock looked on. 

“Spock, you need to be in here. You'll never get any peace on the ward.” McCoy finally insisted when Spock made no movement. 

His brows set in a deep frown, though McCoy had noted that there had been a near permanent scowl on the Vulcan's features since they had returned him to the ship. 

“Spock?” he called again and Spock turned towards him before slowly walking into the room. He stood at the doorway. 

“I want the door open,” Spock demanded, his usual tone gone and replaced with a harsh demand. 

“Not a problem.” McCoy nodded his agreement. 

“Do not try to pacify me, Doctor.” Spock snapped, stepping back away from the room. 

McCoy held up his hands in a friendly gesture. “Well this is the room I want you to sleep in, okay? You can go in when you're ready.” He walked towards Spock, carefully stepping out past the Vulcan and into the ward. 

Spock turned and watched the Doctor. McCoy retrieved a glass of water and handed it to Spock who took some time to grip the container. His hand shook as he took it and he dropped the glass at the show of weakness. He snapped his arms behind his back and stepped back away from the mess.   
McCoy saw a mix of emotions play across Spock's features- fear and anger being the main ones. Spock fixed on anger and held it tightly, his scowl increasing with the need to produce some fear in McCoy. 

“It's okay,” McCoy reassured him. 

“It is not okay,” Spock hissed lashing out and grabbing McCoy's wrist in a tight iron like grip. 

McCoy tried not to let the pain or fear show but then realised that with the skin to skin contact Spock could read his thoughts. With that in mind, McCoy forgot any pride he had. “Please Spock, let go,” he requested, letting the pain wash over his words. 

Spock snapped his arm away just as quickly as he had reached to grab McCoy and then turned and headed into the room. 

McCoy rubbed at his sore bruised wrist and gave Spock a few minutes to recover before he followed up to the door frame. He felt a sudden stab of fear when he didn't see Spock in the room and wondered if he'd slipped out of sickbay while he'd been occupied. But then he caught a glimpse of something out of place. He took two steps in the room and saw Spock hunched down by the bed, shaking violently unable to control himself. 

McCoy felt his heart clench at the sight and went and retrieved another glass of water. He returned to the room and slowly made his way over to the Vulcan and dropped into a crouch as soon as he was close enough. Spock was still shaking and McCoy held the glass out to Spock. 

“I- I cannot-” Spock stammered slightly.

“I'll help you,” McCoy encouraged. He held the drink up higher and Spock moved his head closer, eyes watching McCoy cautiously. He moved the glass to press against Spock's lips and tilted it towards Spock. He sipped at the water before pulling himself back away. The shaking seemed to intensify as he huddled into himself more. “It's okay. I'll leave it for now.” McCoy encouraged. He'd desperately wanted to get some food in the Vulcan but he quickly realised that wouldn't be possible in his current state.   
“Why don't you get some rest?” McCoy suggested. 

Spock shook his head. He stayed huddled up, shaking on the floor, but the scowl returned to his features before he raised his knees, wrapped his arms around them in a protective gesture and rested his head in his arms. McCoy sat there watching Spock. “What the hell did they do to you?” he whispered, more to himself than to Spock. Nevertheless, Spock looked up at the words. Spock seemed to search for an explanation before he replied quietly “They changed me.”

~

“Bones?” Kirk called as he entered sickbay. 

McCoy scooted up off the floor where he'd been sat with Spock and headed out the room, greeting the Captain at the door. 

“How is he?” Kirk asked, looking inside the room and not able to see the Vulcan at all. His brow creased in concern. 

“I haven't examined him yet, Jim. It's going to take a while before he's comfortable enough for that. I'm not going to rush him.” 

Kirk nodded. “That's fine. Just take care of him. Admiral Reynard is approving us for immediate shore leave for a month which should help the crew.”

McCoy nodded. “I think we deserved it after the last three months,” McCoy stated even knowing he would likely be seeing none of it with the condition Spock was in. 

“I'll leave you to it, anyway,” Kirk said. “I'll be in my quarters if you need anything, okay?”

McCoy nodded. “You go. I'm keeping an eye on him, don't worry.”

“When are you going to get some rest, Bones?”

“Patients come first, Captain. If it comes to it, I'll nap on the floor with Spock.” 

Kirk reached out and put his hand on his friends shoulder in support. “If you need anything, okay Bones?” Kirk repeated and Bones nodded, watching as his friend slipped away.

~

The first thing the Captain did once he returned to his quarters was read their new orders. 

Shore leave. He sighed. This would be a boost for his crew. He sent the message to all the crew and then made a ship wide announcement. He got Sulu to take them to the nearest starbase with shore leave facilities and let himself relax somewhat. 

He opened the files that Reynard sent and started to look at the history the Tooans had with Vulcans.   
The file contained 12 individual cases that Starfleet were aware of in which Vulcan had been subjected to a prolonged period of time in captivity.  
The reasons for the forced captivity all sounded as implausible as the reason Spock had been held- from lying to a village elder to unethical treatment of a living creature. Spock's own crime, touching a sacred building, had been disputed by the others on the landing party as Spock had been using his tricorder at the time. However, no matter how petty the crime seemed to be, they were unable to convince the Tooans that Spock was innocent and had been forced to wait out the sentence, unable to see Spock once from the time he was taken away from the landing party until he was returned to them months later, a completely different state of mind present. 

The earliest case was one of the only ones to indicate severe treatment. The Vulcan had been tortured but his mind had been sound. It hadn't taken the Tooans long to realise that if they truly wanted to affect a Vulcan, physical torment would only get them so far.   
The rest of the files all contained almost no physical suffering, but some sort of mental torture. There was no details as such, each Vulcan was just in various stages of distress, some so bad that they never made a recovery. 

Kirk spent some time absorbing as much information as he could from the files before closing it and watching as the file vanished as though it had never been there. 

~

Kirk went back to see McCoy later in the night. 

He hadn't been able to stop thinking about the files he read and wanted to see if Bones made any progress with Spock.   
When he got to the room, more or less the same scene greeted him as earlier. Spock was nowhere to be seen, though Bones was sat, hunched on a chair, looking to be asleep. But something caught his eye that made him doubt Bones' serenity. There was a deep bruising on one wrist and another bruise across his cheek. 

He took out his phaser and slowly stepped into the room. As he moved inside, he spotted Spock huddled on the floor, pressed close to the bed.   
The impassive look he'd worn earlier had long since faded and Kirk could see fear on Spock's face now. 

“Spock, I'm not going to hurt you, I just need to get to Bones, okay?”

Spock pushed himself more into the shadows as though he didn't want Kirk to even notice him. So Jim tried that, taking his attention away from the Vulcan and focusing on McCoy. He shook the Doctor awake gently. 

His eyes fluttered open immediately. “Jim, what is it? What's wrong?”

“I could ask you the same question,” Jim said, looking to the bruise on McCoy's face. 

“It's nothing. Just a bit of a fright that's all.”

“Bones, he's a lot stronger than you. I don't want anyone to get hurt.”

McCoy pushed Jim to one side so he could see the Vulcan. “He's not hurting any one,” McCoy insisted. “I- he can leave sickbay. He should return to his room.”

“Absolutely not. The Admirals orders stand.” Kirk replied. 

Both McCoy and Spock turned their heads towards Kirk at the same time. “You will do as I say, Captain.” McCoy said. 

Kirk ignored Bones and turned to Spock. “Stop this. You might be able to make him say the words but I know my Chief medical officer and he would never advise that. Let him go, Mr Spock.”  
Spock's eyes looked colder and darker than Kirk had ever seen and yet they burned into him. “Spock, no one here will hurt you. We will work with you to help you. You have to trust us. Just leave Bones alone.” 

The same instant that Bones seemed to come back to himself, Spock let out a slight moan and everything glass shattered in room. Kirk and Bones both flinched as they shielded themselves from the glass explosion. 

A nurse on the night watch rushed to the door. “Oh my goodness, Captain, Doctor-”

“It's alright. Go back and continue your duties, Nurse,” McCoy ordered standing up and move across her path to make sure she wouldn't come further in the room. Kirk realised he was protecting Spock from her sight. 

“Yes Doctor,” she obeyed leaving them once again. 

Kirk looked down at Spock who was still huddled tightly on the floor. “C'mon Spock, get up on the bed. You're not a prisoner any more,” Kirk demanded. When Spock didn't obey, he took two steps closer. “I said get up.”

“Jim-” McCoy started a warning but he held up a hand to silence the Doctor's protests. 

“Spock, if I have to, I will drag you onto this bed myself and hold you down while the Doctor force feeds you, is that what we have to do?”

“Stop it, Jim!” McCoy barked out in protest. 

“Come on Spock, show me what you've got,” Kirk teased. 

McCoy was about to ask Kirk what the hell he thought he was doing but as he moved round to grab the Captain, he realised that just as Spock had done to him moments ago, the Captain wasn't speaking for himself, Spock was forcing the words from him. He understood the sense they made when Spock had controlled him. He was trying to force his own release by Doctor's orders, but this made no sense.   
At least it didn't, until Spock forced the next words from Kirk's throat.

“Prove to me that you are still of use to anyone, Vulcan. Attack me and show me your worth.”

As soon as the words left Kirk's throat by force, Spock leapt upwards. McCoy grabbed Kirk and pulled him behind his own body “No!” he cried as Spock made a slight lunge for where the Captain had been. 

“That wasn't me,” Kirk choked out as soon as he was able to speak for himself. 

Spock was stood where Kirk had been, breathing heavily. 

While Kirk was not prepared to drop his guard, McCoy, still in front of the Captain, took in the sight of the Vulcan. He'd scanned him and seen what they'd done to him, but having his stand before them now, confusion and terror on his features broke McCoy's heart. “Did they even feed you?” McCoy asked and something in his voice broke through to the Spock they had once known. 

Spock looked down at himself, seemed to truly realise where he was and with who. His shaking increased, from the emotional toll or the strain of it all, it wasn't clear which one. “Meat,” he said gently, voice sounding hollow. 

“Those sick bastards,” McCoy remarked. 

“I...” Spock started but seemed to lose his confidence to speak. 

“It's okay,” Kirk encouraged. 

“Had to.” Spock finished. 

“Had to what?” Kirk asked. 

“You ate meat?” McCoy said, understanding. “When you were desperate enough, you ate the meat.”

Spock shook and stepped backwards, back to where he was huddled on the ground. He let himself drop back down but McCoy moved quickly and caught him by the arms, mid-drop. “No, no, no, come on. You don't need to be on the floor. Look there's a perfectly good bed right here.”

“I will be seen.” Spock explained, pulling back against McCoy, wanting to drop. 

“I'll close the door.”

Spock shook his head, no. “Prison.” he remarked. 

Kirk could understand Spock not wanting to be locked in a room. “It's no prison, Spock. You're safe here.” Spock stopped fighting against McCoy, Kirk noticed he was gripping the Doctor just as the Doctor was holding on to him. He needs the stability, Kirk realised. 

“We'll close the door, and I'll stay with you. And then, if I have to go, we can leave the door open, okay?” McCoy tried. “We won't change anything with out telling you first.”

Spock pulled away from McCoy sharply and dropped down to the floor. 

“Okay, okay, too soon.” McCoy relented. Instead he grabbed the blanket from the bed and pulled it around Spock's shoulders to offer him warmth. Spock shrugged it away and off of him. “No,” he protested. 

“I'm going to go and talk to the Captain, okay. You need to stay here. I can close the door, or leave it open. Which would you like? Open?” At Spock's nod, McCoy nodded in response. “Okay. I won't be far away.”

Making sure Spock seemed settled, McCoy told the nurse under no circumstances was she to go into the room and if she heard anything that worried her, to come for him straight away. She nodded her understanding as McCoy and Kirk headed into McCoy's office. 

The door was shut and sound proofed before either of them spoke. Kirk simply dropped into the chair in front of the desk and put his head in his hands. “What the hell have they done to him?” 

“I haven't been able to get much from him,” Bones admitted. 

“Understandable,” Kirk chimed in. 

“All he said to me was they changed him.”

“Changed him? That's an understatement. They've destroyed him.” He let out a deep sigh. “So, what happened to you?” 

“He got startled. I moved too quickly.”

“And what about this controlling what we say thing? What's that about?”

“I only have a theory right now and it's that these Tooans have somehow made Spock aware of an ability Vulcan's rarely use.”

“I got a bunch of confidential files about other Vulcans who were unlucky enough to be captured by the Tooans. All but one of the files suggested that they put them through some very damaging mental trauma.”

“And what happened to the Vulcans?”

“Well, most of them are being cared for by Starfleet. Some died from the stress.”

“Did none of them make a good recovery?”

“One was just physically tortured and he turned out fine.” 

“Well, that's excellent news.”

“We just take this one step at a time. Right now, my goal is getting Spock on that bed and to eat and drink. That's as far as I'm going right now.”

A buzz at the door stopped McCoy before he could say anything else. He walked over, unlocking the door to see the nurse stood there. “You have been too long,” she said. 

“I'm sorry?” McCoy asked a little surprised by her comment. “What do you mean I've been-”

“Spock! It's Spock,” Kirk said suddenly realising. 

McCoy rushed passed the nurse back to his patient, while Kirk remained with her to make sure she was okay. Though slightly confused she smiled and headed back to the ward. 

As McCoy rushed into the room with Spock, he found him in the same position as before. He had the blanket at his feet, his hands held onto it and twisted it as though he were anxious. “I'm sorry, Spock. I didn't mean to be so long.”

“Did you discuss me?” Spock asked, eyes cold and hard like they had been during his debriefing. 

Bones wasn't going to lie. “Yes, we did. We're concerned about you. Also the fact that Tooans did this to you. What do they get from this kind of sick torture?” It was a rhetorical question. 

“They get nothing. Not from the Vulcans themselves. They get... something else.”

“What?”

Spock shook his head. “I do not know.” He closed his eyes and leant his head back then seemed to snap to awareness and look about himself with concern. 

“You're exhausted, Spock. How about that bed?”

“I have slept on the floor for the last three months,” he stated, matter of fact. 

“I don't want you sleeping down there when you don't have too.” McCoy reasoned. 

“It makes you angry,” Spock stated. 

“It does. You shouldn't have to go through that.”

Spock moved closer slightly before grabbing McCoy's wrist and pulling him down. “That anger is mine,” he hissed as he reached for the Doctors meld points. 

~

“Bones? Bones, c'mon wake up.”

“Jim?”

“What happened?”

“Spock... where's Spock?” He asked when he turned his head and saw the Vulcan missing. 

“He's in the brig.”

“What?”

“Bones, he was found ranting in Vulcan melding with you while you were unconscious. I couldn't trust him to stay in sickbay.”

“You can't lock him in the brig, you know what that will do to his trust of us.”

“There is no trust, Bones. He proved that with what he did to you.”

“No. He didn't hurt me. He was taking away the anger from me over what happened to him. He's probably not in the best mental state to do such a thing. That's what knocked me out, Jim. It wasn't because Spock wanted me unconscious it was that he's mind is such a mess right now that the confusion and overwhelming emotion inside of him was too much for me. He didn't hurt me, I promise you Jim.”

Kirk smiled sadly. “The thing is, I can't even trust that this is you speaking to me. How can I trust what you're saying when Spock can control what people say.”

“You think I'm sounding like him right now?” 

“He's smart. Adaptable. I got orders from Admiral Reynard that if Spock doesn't keep control of himself then we're to take him back to Starfleet HQ where they will look after him.”

“Jim, that's a terrible idea. I think we need to-”

“Captain Kirk,” the comm buzzed. 

“Kirk here.”

“Captain, Mr Spock has become incredibly aggressive. I'm afraid he might hurt himself, sir.”

Kirk looked round to Bones. “Tell them to gas the room with Chlorsodine Mensine. It'll knock a Vulcan out cold. Then we're bringing him back to sickbay.”

“Bones-”

“No Jim, I'm not having him in the brig. Unless you declare him a threat to the crew, he stays in sickbay.”

“He is a threat to the crew, Bones. And I'm starting to think the reason you don't see it is because he's messed with your head.”

“You're getting paranoid, Jim.”

“Am I? Or am I just pointing out the logical flaw in this denial that you seem to be in?”

“I'm not in denial. You wanna know the truth? From someone who hasn't been able to even scan him with a tricorder yet because he's so traumatised, I can tell you that he's suffering because of all the emotional damage they've inflicted on him. He's severely underweight and malnourished from the diet they offered him, knowing that Vulcan's won't eat meat. He's barely hydrated enough and he doesn't trust a damn thing he sees or hears because he doesn't trust it to be real. The only thing he's certain of is that he was left alone in a cell to be tortured for three months and starfleet didn't do a damn thing about it. Now, why do you suppose that is, Jim?”

“Political reasons?” Jim said, shrugging. 

“Really? Or do you think Starfleet may have more to do with this then they're letting on.”

“That's a bold statement, Bones.”

“Yeah it is.”

“It's also not like you to suggest such a theory. Are you sure this is really you I'm talking too.”

“Jim... why won't you believe me?” 

“If I believe you, it means you're right about Starfleet and how can I ever work for them again after finding out that they did all this?”

“I guess it comes down to what means more to you- Spock or Strafleet.”

“You really think they're behind this.”

“Maybe not. But nothing should be ruled out.”

Jim thought about it for a moment. “He needs to be restrained.” 

McCoy scoffed a little. “If you want but you know he can break them or get himself taken out of them. And regaining his trust will be even harder.”

“I don't even understand why he's lost his trust in us.”

“I don't think you understand any of this, Jim. Maybe you need to realise that this isn't about you.”

“I know it's not about me, Bones, it's just....” Kirk exhaled.

“What? Just say it?”

“I thought we were getting him back,” he said as a breathless confession. “I-I thought that finally after all those weeks without him, worrying about him and not even able to see him, hear his voice, I thought finally, he was coming back on board and that was the end of it. It'd just be Spock back with us again. And now... he's barely anything.”

“Jim, he's still there. And he needs you. He needs us. To help him find his way.”

“What if he can't find it?” 

“He's a Vulcan. He's stronger than 'can't'.”

“Maybe I'm not.”

“Jim, you're giving up before he's even had a chance to fight for this. Help him. Help me, for the love of God man.”

Jim sighed and covered his face. “I'm sorry, Bones.”

McCoy moved over and embraced the other man. “It's okay. You're exhausted. You've been working your ass off trying to get him back. So get some sleep and tomorrow help me work on getting our Vulcan back.” They broke apart, McCoy keeping a hand on Jim's shoulder for support. 

“I'll help you get him back to sickbay first.”

McCoy shook his head. “He'll be out for hours. Security can help. Rest.”

“And when do you rest?”

“Once you've taken over for me in the morning.”

“Thank you.” 

2.

 

“Admiral Reynard, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Jim asked, answering the early morning call. 

“I decided to check in on Commander Spock. He seemed to be suffering greatly yesterday.”

“He had been aboard for less than 5 minutes when you insisted on the debriefing, Admiral. He is adjusting well.”

“Really?” Kirk nodded and smiled. “That's-”

“Excellent news, I know.” Kirk interrupted. 

“Well yes, though I am surprised Commander Spock is doing so well.”

“Well he's not about to return to active duty, it's early days.”

“Yes. Keep me updated Kirk.” The screen went blank and Kirk dropped the smile.   
The last thing he wanted was the Admiral checking up on Spock's progress constantly. Eventually he'd want to see some evidence, so he needed to keep Spock's recovery plausible. 

He headed for breakfast before going down to sickbay. 

Everything was much like the day before, the door left open, the bed empty and McCoy sat in a chair, keeping an eye on Spock. 

He handed a cup of coffee to the exhausted looking Doctor who took it gratefully. “Thanks.”

“Good night?” he asked, casually. 

“Yeah. Well, Spock slept through a lot of it due to the sedation. When it wore off and he woke up, he was a little startled but he settled after a while and has been in a light sleep. Until you came in, anyway.”

“Ah, sorry,” he apologised. He looked over to Spock but couldn't tell if he was sleeping or not. “You want me to take over then?”

“Spock?” McCoy called but Spock mostly ignored the Doctor. “I need to get some sleep for a few hours. Jim's going to stay with you, okay?”  
Spock shook his head no, but said nothing. “Come on, Spock, you know no one on the ship cares about you more than Jim.” But Spock shook his head again. 

“Maybe I should just leave you guys here. Spock doesn't want me here,” Kirk said. 

McCoy rolled his eyes. “Stop sulking, kid. I can't stay here watching him, I need to sleep. Besides, he didn't want me here at first.” McCoy stood up and headed out the door, pulling Jim with him. “Listen, you need to drop the whole 'poor me' routine. It's getting old. So he doesn't trust you right now? Big deal! He will do when he's ready too and you need to go in there and remind him of the fact that you are his friend.”

“I'm not good at just sitting still, Bones.”

“I haven't got the energy to argue with you. Just sit there while I get a couple of hours sleep and I'll take over.”

“Bones-”

“Save it-”

“I'm sorry. Take as long as you need. We'll be fine.”

McCoy let out a sigh. “I'm sorry too, Jim. I'm just tired.”

“Go and sleep.”

Bones patted Jim on the shoulder as he passed by. “If you need me, call me. I'll be right there.”

“I know.” And with that, the Doctor left. Once they were alone, Jim turned to Spock who had made a point of not watching him directly but his eyes were still watching all activity Jim made.  
Jim sat in the chair, hoping to at least ease Spock into relaxing slightly. “Anything I can get for you, Spock?” he asked. He received silence as his answer and Spock looked away completely. “Okay, well I'm going to sit here with my PADD. I have work to do so... you carry on.”

While Spock ignored him, Kirk turned to his PADD. He wasn't lying when he said he had work to do. 

He still felt uneasy about Starfleets involvement in the whole affair and as it seemed that the Vulcan's were still be kept hidden away. 

Deciding that he needed to get some help with this, his first port of call was the other Spock. Sending a message to his personal PADD, Kirk using his own so it would be off of Starfleet's records, he typed out a quick greeting. 

Spock,  
It's Jim. Need some help with an issue. As soon as you are free to do so. 

Jim sent the message and started to look up any information he could find about the Tooans. He was interrupted by the soft beep of an incoming message. 

Jim, 

I am available. What is your issue?

Spock. 

Jim saved the data he'd found before considering his response. 

>Have you ever heard of the Tooans from your timeline? Did they give you any trouble? They are from Odulos 3. 

>>I have not encountered them. 

>Do you know of anyone who ever has?

>>No. They are unfamiliar in name. Even the planet. They have caused you some issues?

>Technically speaking, they have caused you some issues. 

>>Such as?

>I'm not sure. You're not being very co-operative right now. Emotional issues, I guess. 

>>Guessing, Jim?

>You haven't been checked over by Bones yet, at least not properly. Haven't even convinced you to use the bed as of yet.

There was a noticeably long pause before Spock replied. 

>>It sounds like I am indeed in some distress. I am unsure what I can do to assist in this matter. 

>I don't think there's anything you can do. I was hoping you might have known about the people, had some intel I could use. I guess that's what I get for cheating. Instead, I'll have to hope Spock starts to trust us.

>>Does he have a reason not to trust you?

>You tell me? He sure acts as though he doesn't.

>>Forgive me, Jim. What I mean is, did he trust you and then you lose that trust?

>No. I mean, I did have him sent to the brig briefly because he was melding with Bones and I kinda freaked out but I did nothing to hurt him.

>>If he showed no issues with trust before that, then it is unlikely that you have caused any distrust. In fact, I would state he does trust you and the Doctor still but his emotional state is unsettling him greatly.

>What would you advise? 

>>Be consistent. Be patient. Be honest. And be his friend. 

>I can do that. Thank you. 

>>Please keep me informed, Jim. 

>I will. I'll get back to you in a couple of days with an update, okay? 

>>Thank you, Jim. 

They ended the chat and Jim spared a glance over to Spock. He was struggling not to fall asleep in an uncomfortable position on the floor. He wished he could find a way to convince him to sleep on the bed. 

He took out his communicator and flipped it open. “Kirk to engineering.”

“Scott here, Sir.”

“Mr Scott, just who I wanted to speak too. I have a task for you.”

“I'm all ears, Captain.”  
From the corner of his eye, he noticed Spock's head tilt at the odd phrase. He refrained from smiling, not wanting Spock to see. “Can you design a privacy device for sickbay.”

“What kind of privacy device would that be Captain?”

“Something for the private room in sickbay. So that the person inside can see onto the ward, but no one can see in from the ward. But there's no forcefield or anything like that. The doctors and nurses have to be able to have full access.”

“Aye Captain. I think I could work on something like that. Gimme some time and I'll see what I can do.”

“Thanks Scotty.”

~

McCoy sent a message to Jim's PADD after a couple of hours to see how he was getting on. Kirk insisted he was fine and for the Doctor to get more sleep. 

But Spock started to get restless and twitchy and even when Jim tried to calm him, Spock didn't listen. He would hover over by the door and hesitate and Kirk was sure Spock was going to try and leave sickbay but he never did get past the door, but the agitation didn't go away either. 

“Spock, why don't you sit down for a bit?” Kirk tried. But Spock didn't want to listen and finally, when his agitation had grown enough he turned to Kirk and grabbed him, pulling him upwards. “Leave!” he ordered shoving him towards the door. 

“I'm not leaving you alone,” Kirk said, defiantly. 

“You did so already, for months!” Spock replied. A flash of panic in his eyes and he grabbed Kirk again, this time fully throwing him from the room. Jim sprawled across the floor on sickbay and as he gathered himself up he called out for a nurse to call McCoy down. He headed back to the room just as the door closed on him. And then he heard what could only be the destruction of the room as Spock lost control. 

~

McCoy patiently waited out what he mildly referred to Spock's temper tantrum. 

He didn't go in straight after, giving Spock some time to regain control. The door slid open to reveal pretty much what he expected- a room in chaos. Spock was simply sat in a corner, paying little attention to anything. 

Bones picked his way through the room, picking up anything that was too cumbersome to navigate around. He crouched down near Spock. “I want you to know that I am sorry,” he said and before he'd even finished speaking the final word, he was plunging the hypo in Spock's neck. He watched the rage in Spock's eyes as he processed what McCoy had done and then a mixture of anger and betrayal was splashed across his features before he sagged and melted almost boneless against the wall. 

McCoy called for a nurse and Peters came in and helped McCoy heave the Vulcan onto the biobed. It seemed to dip slightly with Spock's weight and McCoy acknowledged in his own mind that Spock had likely managed to break it.   
He'd hoped with a little time, Spock would calm and be rational to some assistance but he seemed to become more agitated. 

Sedation hadn't been what he'd wanted but maybe it would buy Spock some time to heal in a way that they couldn't help him with. He hoped that once Spock woke from some enforced rest, he would be calmer and not be in need of the cuffs any longer. 

He stuck a line in a vein in Spock's arm with a mood stabiliser. 

~

“This can't be right, Bones.”

“Jim, not only did the tricorder say it, but I checked him over myself.”

“I thought there was no physical harm when you scanned him.”

Bones shook his head. “I just checked for serious injuries then and this wouldn't have shown on such a scan.”

“Okay, so...what is it?”

“Some sort of test they've designed. Maybe it provoked an emotional response.”

“You know, I've been thinking about this, and none of this makes much sense.”

“How do you mean?”

“We've been told that the Tooans hate Vulcans, right?” Bones nodded. “So, if you hated a species enough to make up crimes they'd committed, surely you'd have more in mind than just emotionally screwing with them.”

“There being more to this than we know doesn't help Spock.”

“But it might do. There has to be a reason behind what they're doing. More than just 'teaching Vulcan's a lesson.”

“I'm no good at working this stuff out, Jim. Spock's the guy you want to ask.”

“You gave him a mood stabiliser, right?”

“Yeah, though I can't keep giving them. I have no way of knowing the affect they'll have on a Vulcan and Spock's mental shields and all that other mumbo jumbo he does, is likely to be next to useless to him right now.”

“Well, now's the time to get some answers from Spock while he's a little less.... hostile.”

“Well, good luck with that. I hope you manage to find out something useful.”

~

Jim expected Spock to be calmer, maybe a little more like his old self on the mood stabiliser. 

What he didn't expect was Spock to be completely placid. He was on the bed, a blanket pulled up to his shoulders. Jim sat down on the chair beside the bed.   
They were in the second private room in sickbay. Bones had moved Spock so that the other room could be cleared properly. 

“Hey Spock. You mind if I talk to you for a bit?” Kirk asked.

Spock glanced across at the man beside his bed. “If you wish.”

“I do. I need to file a report about what happened on Odulos 3. Can you tell me what happened?”

“You wish me to detail all three months?”

“Well, lets start with what first happened. Can you remember?”

“I remember a Toolan guard approach myself and several members on the landing party. I was doing a reading with the tricorder at the time. It was removed from my hands and the guard told me I had violated a sacred building by touching it. Ensign Wills spoke to the guard and assured him that no one had touched anything, however her comments were ignored.”

“Ensign Wills was with you the entire time?” 

“Yes.”

“She was able to collaborate your story, and they simply dismissed it?”

“There was 'no story', as you put it Captain. They did not ask me for my version of events, it was simply a case of being told what I had done and being 'sentenced' for my crime.”

“Okay. What happened after that?”

“I was taken to the cell.”

“And that's where you stayed the whole time?”

“Yes.”

“Did they ever take you out at all.”

“It is where I stayed the entire duration.”

“Okay. What was the first day like, can you remember?”

“It was rather late in the afternoon on the planet. I was simply left in the cell for the remainder of the day.”

“What about food, water?”

“There was a water pot in the cell.”

“You didn't even get fresh water?”

“It was drinkable.”

“Okay, so what about the first week then? Any notable events?”

“No.”

“Nothing you can remember or-”

“They did not come to the cell for precisely eleven ship days.”

“What about food and water? Your waste?”

“If the bowl was placed close to the window, water could be collected from outside.”

“Spock, they didn't feed you for eleven days?”

“No Captain. It was longer. Their offerings were meat. I did not eat when it was offered.”

“Right.” He knew that eventually, Spock had succumbed enough to hunger to eat meat but apparently he had been able to last more than the mere eleven days. The thought made Jim's stomach clench in hunger and he craved going to a replicator and getting a burger and fries. He focused back on Spock. Now things would get trickier. “Okay, what happened when they first visited you, and not just for food?”

Spock's eye twitched slightly and he stayed quieter for longer than Jim would have expected. “I do not remember.”

“They did something to your mind. Can you remember that?”

Spock shook his head no. Jim thought for a moment before pushing onwards with a different tactic. “They made you angry?”

“Yes,” Spock conceded almost immediately. 

“You've got bruises on your stomach, on your chest.”

“Superficial.” Spock said. He sounded detached, Kirk noted. 

“What did they want from you?”

“To change me.”

“And did they?”

“Did they what?” Spock's arm jerked in an odd muscle spasm. 

“Change you?”

“No. Not as they had hoped.” 

Somehow, that gave Jim a sense of relief. Maybe this wasn't as bad as he had suspected. Maybe once Spock had full and better control of his emotions everything would be back to how it should be.   
He looked up to Spock and offered a reassuring smile, which was met with Spock's usual stoic look. 

“Captain?”

“Yeah?”

“I am sorry.” 

3.

The throb in Jim's shoulder let him know exactly what had happened. “Dammit,” he muttered as he struggled to sit up. 

“Jim, you're finally with us again, huh?” Bones asked. “I'd ask how it went with Spock, but I can guess for myself.”

“Why's it so dark?” 

“Because Spock's cut power to everything except the bridge and life support. All the doors are locked.”

“What the hell's he doing?”

“No idea. I'm stuck in here with you.”


	14. Vanished

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the destruction of Vulcan, Nero takes Spock from the Enterprise. With Earth threatened and the return of a badly injured Pike, Spock's absence is overlooked. When they run into the Vulcan again, they weren't looking for him, but it's certain enough that they have found him. 
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of a slavery.

Considering he barely knew the guy outside of his name, rank and species and that the most they had talked to one another had been one day where they argued, insulted and accused, Kirk hadn't felt that strongly when Commander Spock had been beamed off of The Enterprise. 

The pair of them had been arguing (who'd have guessed!) over the course of action they were to take in the aftermath of Vulcan's destruction and how best they should aide Earth now Nero had threatened to destroy it as well. Of course, Spock wanted to follow Pike's command, but he didn't realise earth would be destroyed if they did that. But before they could get into the discussion further, there was a message from sickbay that Pike had been beamed back on board and was seriously injured.   
Spock left to attend to the situation and from all accounts, that was the last he'd been seen. 

He never got down to sickbay and without a Captain, the newly appointed First Officer was running things.   
They reached Earth but it wasn't under attack. Nero had vanished after taking a few shots at Earth. Then gone. Nothing. 

With the aftermath of what happened, there was a lot of work to do. They had a bunch of Vulcan's to unload, all bereaved and lost on Earth, they had reports to file, Pike had a major recovery to make and then there was space, still sitting out their waiting to be explored. 

So in all honesty, Commander Spock's disappearance wasn't something that weighed heavily on Kirk's mind. At least not until they found him. 

The ship they boarded were more or less space pirates. They'd attack anything that wasn't armed, take advantage wherever they could and always strip everything worth anything as they went.   
And they happen to Visit O'Xiath just at the wrong moment as The Enterprise responded to the urgent distress call from the planet that claimed their entire supply of a native drug had been taken.   
McCoy informed Jim that it was essential for the well being of the lifeforms on the planet, but some aliens use it as a recreational drug.   
Kirk expected it to be a battle, but the ship was used up, running on empty and a couple of quick hits disabled it and they were boarding it in no time, phasers stunning anything that moved. 

It was really the last place he'd expect to find Spock. Why would he be on a ship like this? But nevertheless, when Kirk and McKinnley, one of the security men, blasted their way into a locked room, they found the Captain of the vessel taking his frustrations out on someone.   
It didn't strike Kirk immediately that the Captain's hand was covered in blood because it was green, so he'd thought it was an alien. But then he turned to them, and the thing he'd been beaten flopped to the ground in a pile and McKinnley had him stunned before he even thought about retaliation. 

Kirk had walked off, didn't even see the Vulcan's attempts to sit up as McKinnley stunned him and sent the order for two to be beamed up from his location to the brig. 

It wasn't until back on the Enterprise when McCoy sought him out. “You're never guess who I found in the brig,” he said. “The pointy eared bastard.”

“What? Spock? What's he doing with a bunch of pirates?” Kirk asked. 

McCoy shrugged. “No idea.”

“You didn't ask him?”

“He didn't say. Anything, actually.” McCoy yawned. “I didn't want to let on that I knew him. He's still in one of the holding cell's with a bunch of human and alien scum. Until we know more, it's probably best they don't know we know him. So, we're about a quarter through the checks. Once I get round to him, I'll let you know what I find.”

“Screw that. C'mon.” Kirk said, heading to the brig. McCoy was hot on his heels. Kirk eyed the cells until he saw the Vulcan. “Get that Vulcan bastard out of there,” Kirk said pointing to Spock.   
Two guards were quick to comply, opening the door and Spock stepped forward. “Bring him, Peters.” Kirk called as he turned and marched out the room, McCoy following along wordlessly. 

Peter's almost walked into them as he rounded the corner, gripping Spock by the elbow. 

“Listen, go swap shifts with Ensign Harris, okay? I don't want you back on the brig today.”

“Aye Captain.” he quickly left and Kirk headed for one of the rec rooms. Considering the time of day and what was happening the room was empty, which is exactly what Kirk wanted.   
“Doors lock.” Kirk called. “What the hell happened to you? How'd you end up on that ship?” he asked. 

“I-”

“Wait,” McCoy ordered and headed over to a replicator and ordered a water. He passed it to the Vulcan who took it with a nod and took a sip. His hands shook slightly. 

“I was sold by Nero to the ship,” Spock said, voice sounding rough despite the water. 

“He sold you?” Kirk asked. 

Spock nodded. “As a slave.” 

“I get that, but why'd he sell you if he took you in the first place?”

“I would hardly know how his mind works,” Spock replied, some bite and anger emerging. It didn't go unnoticed. 

“That's enough questions. Let's get him to some quarters and get cleaned up.”

“I should be returned to the brig. I am as guilty as others for the crimes they are to be charged with.”

“You didn't really have a choice though, did you?” McCoy remarked. 

“There are always choices. I choose the path of least resistance.”

“They brainwash you too?” Kirk asked. Spock simply stared at him. He let out a sigh. “I've not got time for this shit. Get him back to the brig.” Kirk dismissed leaving the room. 

Kirk didn't think of Spock until he was called down to the brig later on that night. There was a disturbance and he'd been called for. He wasn't that surprised to see Bones there, arms crossed scowl on face as he stood with a bunch of security.   
“What's going on?”

“You must remove the Vulcan half breed,” one of the prisoners said. 

“Why must I?” 

“Because he capable of terrible violence.”

“Sounds more likely I should keep him in there then,” Kirk replied. 

“We shall all be dead in the morning. How would you explain that?” 

Kirk shrugged. “Why'd I get called down for this? It's just prisoners complaining.”

McCoy grabbed Kirk's arm and pulled him closer. “I believe him.”

“Doctor?” Spock said, voice still a rough quality to it. Kirk and McCoy both turned to him. “A psi inhibitor is the only thing that will save lives. There are many with the items on the craft you took us from.”

“Get him out of there,” Kirk ordered. 

“Please the inhibitor, doctor.” Spock asked as he was removed from the brig.

“I want answers, Commander.”

“I lost my rank a long time ago, Captain.” Spock corrected. “The inhibitor will not prevent me from answering your questions. It will simply stop my ability to use any Vulcan telepathy.”

Kirk looked to McCoy who nodded. “Okay, Bones, sort it out. We're going to the rec room, okay?” Bones nodded and headed off. 

When they got to the rec room, Kirk only waited for the door to close before he turned to Spock. “What the hell is all this?”

“Specifically?”

“You? First you want to be in the brig, now you don't.”

“I did not ask to be remo-”

“And you're some sort of killer now? Is this a veiled threat?”

“No, Capt-”

“Because we didn't have a good start?”

“I can explain.”

“Well, go on then.”

Spock nodded. “As a Vulcan, they wished to use attributes that I had, such as telepathy and suggestive powers. But since Vulcan's destruction and the conditions of the ship I have found meditation impossible. It makes my grasp on these things harder to control.”

“They made you kill? Those guys in there?”

Spock nodded. 

“How?”

“I made a suggestion.”

“What does that mean?”

“I focus my mind to put a certain thought in their mind. Like that they wish to set the phaser to kill, and shoot themselves.”

“And what happens if you don't have this inhibitor?”

“I have used so much of my energy on these suggestions and the lack of mediation means that I can not control if I sleep.”


	15. Untitled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short thing

“But what is he?” 

It was his earliest memory.   
A small boys voice that much is clear. And he is smaller, being carried by his Mother, facing away from whoever spoke, wrapped in a blanket, cold seeping into his body from the cool planet, not like home at all. He didn't remember it, but he knew this was on Earth. His Mother took him when he was still young. 

Years later, he asked her about it and she was surprised he remembered it so well. He remembered it as clear as anything.   
Something in the child's tone ingrained itself into Spock's brain. It wasn't just an innocent question, there was something close to disgust in the boys voice.   
He remembered the way his Mother tightened her grip as she walked faster, how she kept repeating over and over to him how special and loved he was. 

And he remembered the dampness that fell in his hair.   
It wasn't raining. 

~

“You are neither human, nor Vulcan – and therefore, have no place in the universe.”

He believed those words for a long time. Too long. 

There was a time when he fought to block his Father from his mind so he did not find out. But he did. And his Father did not know what to say, besides following the Vulcan way was in his best interest.


	16. White Heat (Version 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirk and Spock beam down to Riva 5 and instantly, the Feng people who inhabit the planet demand Spock leave. But once he returns to the ship, Spock has to deal with more than just an unfriendly race of people.

1\. 

The sound of the doors closing behind him and Mr Spock let out a sigh of relief. 

“Doors lock. Computer, turn room temperature two degree's below regular room temperature setting.” A few seconds later the computer replied with 'Complete' and Spock felt the temperature in the room begin to dip a little. He needed to get his bearings before he headed back to the bridge. He would be of no use to the crew if he were not performing his tasks as well as he should and Mr Sulu would be better off in charge until Spock saw himself fit to return to run the ship while the Captain was needed down on planet Riva 5. 

It had been an unpleasant experience, making first contact with the people of Riva 5.   
They were heading to meet Ambassador K'Chai but as soon as they had beamed down, they found weapons pointed at them, considerably more at Spock and one of the planets inhabitants exclaimed in disgust “Romulan!”

“I am Vulcan, not Romulan.” Spock explained calmly. 

“You are the same race. You are not permitted on our planet. You must beam up immediately” 

“Wait a minute...” Kirk started. 

“Captain, it is apparent that my very presence on their planet is causing distress for the Feng people. I shall contact Mr Scott and have him beam me back on board the ship and have him beam down in my place. If this is agreeable to you Captain.” Spock said. 

“No, Mr Spock, it isn't agreeable to me. Not at all. You are my First Officer and my Science Officer.”

“Captain, with my race and it's violent history, it is not unreasonable that some other planets would object to the presence of a Vulcan there.” 

“Do it!” The leader of the group there to welcome them barked. 

Kirk took out his communicator, deciding it would be safer, in case the trigger happy race in front of him took any movement Spock made as a threat. He quickly sent orders for Scotty to beam Mr Spock back aboard and ready himself to beam down instead.   
Scotty quickly acknowledged the Captain's orders. 

“Mr Spock, be sure to make a note that the inhabitants of Riva 5 do not welcome the Vulcan people onto their planet. It will be a valuable piece of information should the Feng ever need assistance. We wouldn't want to offend them by sending a Vulcan to their planet.”

“Captain.” Spock acknowledge the orders and made no comment on Kirk's hostile attitude back to the aliens. 

One of the Feng started speaking to the guard at the front in a language unfamiliar to both Kirk and Spock. Deciding that Spock needn't be there any longer, he opened the communicator again.   
“Energise,” Kirk ordered. 

Spock watched Kirk start to slowly distort as he was beamed up to the Enterprise. He was certain that he saw one of the Feng press a button on the weapon that they had been pointing at himself and the Captain and as he rematerialised on the Enterprise in the transporter room, he took his communicator out straight away. “Captain Kirk?” he said, his voice sounding slightly concerned that his Captain was alone down with a slightly hostile race. 

“Everything okay, Mr Spock?” Kirk replied calmly. “You sound a little...” he couldn't place the word exactly. 

“Yes, Captain,” Spock cut in before Kirk could finish. “I shall send Mr Scott down right away. Spock out.” 

“What's goin' on down there, Mr Spock?” Scotty asked as the pair of them swapped positions. 

“Apparently they do not like Vulcans.” Spock explained simply with a quirk of his eyebrow. “Ready?”

“Aye, Sir.” Scotty replied. Spock beamed Scotty down and let out a small breath of frustration at himself for being so anxious about the intentions of the planet dwellers. They appeared to show no ill will towards the Captain so why should he worry about him just because he wasn't there to watch over him? Chances are, things would go a lot more smoothly if he kept out of contact with Kirk, should any mention of the Vulcan that resided on the Enterprise anger the people. 

Spock left the transporter room just as an ensign came to take over Mr Scott's duties.  
He'd been heading to the bridge but that was when he had first started to notice the temperature on the ship seemed to be higher than he last remembered. Maybe the planet had been cooler than he realised, he pondered. He didn't consciously make the decision to go to his quarters, he just found himself outside of them and headed in without a second thought. 

He reasoned that it was the right idea, to head inside and get himself together before he went up to the bridge. He ordered the door locked and temperature down and headed to his bed, sitting down heavily for a moment. He took a couple of deep breaths. He could regulate his temperature, this shouldn't be an issue. There was no reason for him not to be on the bridge right now.   
Spock stood up ignoring a wave of dizziness that assaulted him and walked across the room, the heat in the cool room seeming to increase with every step. He braced his arm against the wall beside the door, knowing something was wrong. He should go to Sick Bay.   
No. A Vulcan did not go to sick bay just because of a slight increase in temperature.   
He just needed to concentrate on the problem and he could over come it. 

oOo

Captain Kirk entered the bridge after the long and overall unsuccessful meeting with the Ambassador. 

Upon Kirk entering, Sulu vacated the Captain's chair. “Report, Mr Sulu?”

“Orbiting the planet, Captain. Nothing to report.”

“Where's Mr Spock?” 

“He hasn't reported to the bridge, Captain.” Sulu stated. 

Kirk sat in the chair. “Bridge to Spock.” he said. There was a hesitation of a few seconds before there was an answer. “Spock here, Captain.”

“Report to the bridge, Mr Spock. Kirk out.” he said and shut off the communication with his First Officer. It took a couple of minutes to get to the bridge from Spock's quarters. When 5 minutes had passed and Spock still wasn't on the bridge Kirk called Science Officer again. “Bridge to Spock. Mr. Spock, is there a problem?” 

“Problem, Captain?” Spock replied, much quicker in answering this time. 

“You were reporting to the bridge. I'm still waiting.” 

“Yes, Captain.” Spock replied. 

Kirk was unsure if that was confirmation if Spock was heading to him or just an agreement that he should have been heading to see his Captain. 

“Spock I....” Kirk hesitated. “On second thoughts, stay there. I'm heading to you.” Kirk ended the conversation with Spock. “Sulu, you have the comm.”

oOo 

Kirk was surprised when he entered Spock's room to find the Vulcan stood beside the door, a hand braced against the wall.   
The first thing Kirk noticed, besides the strange location Spock has picked to wait for his Captain, was the chill in the room. There was a slightly higher temperature in Spock's room usually. 

“Is everything okay?” Kirk asked, observing the statue like pose of his first officer. 

“I was-” Spock started before closing his mouth. His eyebrows drew together in a slight frown, creasing his brow. “I was heading to the bridge, Captain.” he clarified eventually. 

“So what stopped you?”

“I do not know.” Spock replied honestly. He gave it some thought, his mind seemed clouded, like navigating his thoughts was far more difficult than it should have been. “The heat. The ship is very hot, Captain. That is why I came to my quarters first.”

“You're still hot now?” Kirk queried and Spock replied with a quick nod. Kirk moved closer to the Vulcan and went to touch his arm. Even before he made contact he could feel heat radiating off the Vulcan's body. He touched Spock's upper arm with the back of his hand briefly before flinching away at the heat. “Spock, you're burning up. What's wrong?” he asked, concern settling in. 

“I do not know, Captain. I was going go to Sick Bay but I can regulate my body temperature. A slight difference in the temperature shouldn't make a difference. I should be able to control....” 

“I'm taking you to Sick Bay right now.” Kirk interrupted, not liking the way the Vulcan was behaving. 

“Yes Captain,” Spock said not arguing. 

oOo

The private rooms were usually reserved for seriously ill patients. 

The dangerously high temperature of the Vulcan made McCoy move Spock to one so he could change the temperature to one that would make Spock more comfortable. It didn't seem to matter how much he decreased the temperature though, Spock's temperature was continuing to increase. 

He rarely had much luck administering medicine to Spock but he gave him some hyposprays, hoping to slow down the increase in temperature. 

He stood outside the room with the Captain, looking pensive. “I don't know what to do for him, Jim. If I can't cure a patient, I can usually make them comfortable. I can't even do that with him. His damn temperature keeps spiking. It's already dangerously high. I don't know how high it can go before it kills him.” 

“There must be something we can do.” Kirk said. 

“You know how it is with him, Jim. He's almost impossible to treat unless it's a known condition in Vulcan's we're dealing with and even then, he's still a little hit and miss. The human Vulcan mix can be a rotten thing. It's all trial and error.”

“Can we determine a cause?”

“You can ask him yourself, Jim. I'm going to get some ice and try and bring him temperature down the old fashioned way.” McCoy said. 

Kirk headed into the room. It was cold, there was no two ways about it. Spock looked uncomfortable as he lay on the bed, not in pain, just not comfortable. He was propped up enough. His eyes looked slightly glazed and Kirk wondered if he were trying to help himself in some way. But as Kirk moved beside him, Spock's eyes followed his Captain. “Jim.” he said simply. 

“When did this start?” Kirk asked. Standing close to the bed, he could again feel Spock's body heat. It must be unbearable to be in that body right now, Kirk thought. 

“Shortly after I beamed back on board.” Spock admitted. 

“Do you know anything that might help Bones treat you?”

Spock shook his head slightly. “I'm sorry, Captain. I have not heard of this type of sickness in Vulcan's. However, my mind is not clear. I am unable to process anything well...” 

That made sense to Kirk. Spock not heading to the bridge after getting the order too made perfect sense now. “It's okay, don't worry about it.” Kirk comforted. 

The door to the room opened and Bones came in, with a container of ice. “Back to basics I'm afraid.” he told Spock, who made no comment. McCoy took a scoopful of ice and poured it into a thick plastic bag. He sealed the bag and started on another. Kirk assisted him until they had four large bags of ice. “Place that under his arm.” McCoy said as he did the same with his, placing it in the armpit of the Vulcan. Jim did the same with his on Spock's other side. “Put that one under his neck,” he instructed as he placed the fourth across Spock's groin. 

“Just rest if you can, Spock. That should help cool you down.” McCoy said. He motioned for Kirk to follow him as they both left the room. “Could he tell you anything?” McCoy asked. 

“I think whatever it is, it happened on that planet. They were hostile as soon as they saw Spock, but they never had any contact with him. I was with him the whole time, I don't see how they could have done this.”

“It's a pretty huge coincidence otherwise.” McCoy rubbed a hand across his face. “It's going to be a long night.” he said. 

“I'm going back down to the planet as soon as I can, see if the ambassador can answer any questions about this.”

“Well, in the meantime, you should get some rest. I'm going to stay with him tonight, in case he needs anything.”

“Call me if anything changes.” Kirk said. 

oOo

Although he'd told McCoy to call him if anything changed, he didn't expect to be interrupted in the middle of the night by the buzzing of the intercom. 

“Kirk,” he muttered tiredly. 

“Jim, get down here now.”

oOo

McCoy was at the foot of Spock's bed when Kirk entered. 

Spock looked to be sleeping but every now and then his body would twitch or spasm slightly. 

“What's happened?” Kirk asked. 

“He's got a lot worse.” McCoy said. “His temperature has stabilised but it's still too high. That's not the problem though. Myself and Nurse Chapel were tending to him. He was reacting strangely, we couldn't understand the problem as he wasn't speaking to us clearly, just incoherent muttering. I stepped close enough and he touched my hand, transferred his thoughts to me. It was brief and more than a little hazy but what I got from it Jim was unbearable pain from our touch. As soon as he stopped, I told Christine to leave and that I tend to him alone.” He sighed. McCoy searched for how best to describe Spock's condition. “It's like all the nerve endings are hyper sensitive. Touching him gently is like a burning agony to him.”

“God, Bones... “ Kirk said, trying to digest the horrific update. “At least he's sleeping...” 

“He's not sleeping, Jim, he's awake. Movement hurts him just as much as touch.”

Jim wanted to move closer, to reach out to his First Officer and comfort him physically, but knowing that it would cause his agony caused Jim his own agony. He cast his mind back to when he'd visited Spock in his quarters, how Spock had commented that he should be able to regulate his temperature. Should but couldn't. “This is all in his head.” 

“If you're saying that he can will this away Jim....”

“No, that's not what I mean. I can see this is very much happening and real. What I mean is that Spock said earlier that he should be able to regulate his temperature. When he felt that he was hot, he should have been able to control it, rather than need to adjust the temperature. He should have been able to control this pain before it consumed him or he should be able to do it now. He said that he hasn't been clear headed this whole time. The attack is starting on what makes him unique, his Vulcan mind.” 

“That makes a lot of sense,” McCoy agreed. 

“I'll get down to that planet as soon as I can. Take care of him,” Jim said before leaving the pair alone and heading back to his quarters. 

oOo

McCoy hadn't realised he'd been drifting to sleep until he was bought out of it by Spock's strange whines. Then he made out a quiet, whispered “Doctor..”  
The stench of urine assaulted McCoy's nostrils and before he could give it a seconds thought Spock was vomiting meagre amounts of bile. He'd attempted to sit up somewhat, to aim for the floor but he'd been too weak and the pain had been too much and with regret McCoy realised that he'd half covered himself. 

“Doors lock,” McCoy snapped out quickly, ensuring no one could innocently walk in while Spock was in such a state. He waited until he was certain Spock was finished, his exhausted body collapsing back onto the bed. McCoy looked over his stats and saw some of his readings had increased from the strain of the incident. “Just rest there a minute, Spock.” he said opening a door that led off into another room.   
It was another part of sick bay that they barely used, a treatment room to help patients with more serious damage recover long term affects. It housed a large tub which was just what McCoy needed for Spock right now. There was no doubt about it that he had to clean him up and he knew a shower was preferable to Spock. Vulcan's didn't enjoy water that much, however the spray of a shower would be continually pounding against Spock's skin and that much pain constantly on him would be too dangerous. He ran the bath, making sure he kept the temperature ideal for Spock and once it was as full as he needed, he went back through to Spock. 

“Okay, lets get you into the tub,” McCoy said. “Can you get there alone?” He didn't want to say the actual words 'Do you need any help?'.

“I shall try,” Spock muttered, moving his mouth as little as possible. 

With some effort, Spock pushed himself onto his side and gently swung his legs round off the end of the bed. He braced himself there for a few moments before he shifted his weight onto his legs. McCoy hovered close by, determined not to assist unless needed.   
He didn't say a word when Spock grabbed for his shoulder after letting go of the bed and kept his weight against the Doctor as they travelled slowly into the next room. McCoy could feel Spock trembling against him, the skin still burning as he touched McCoy, but Bones was resolved that no matter the slight discomfort this caused him, it was nothing like the pain Spock was in. 

He faltered a few steps before the tub and McCoy worried he might not be able to make it but somehow, Spock made the last few steps before he bent forward and grabbed onto the side of the tub , breathing heavily with effort. His head hung low and McCoy worried that the way he was breathing might indicate he was going to be sick again. He held it together though, regained control.   
McCoy gently pulled the trousers down from Spock's legs, leaving underwear on, and then removed his top as well before he helped Spock into the water. Once submerged, McCoy hoped the water would soothe his body somewhat. He needed to be cleaned up but for now, McCoy was content to let the Vulcan rest.   
Spock had his knees raised, peaking out of the water and his arms hung limply at his sides, his head was bowed and he sat there, unmoving. 

“I'll just be in the next room, call if you need me,” McCoy said. He was adverse to clearing up sick and urine but being CMO he rarely did this type of work any more. However, he wasn't about to call someone else in to see Spock's shame. And though he hadn't shown any real outward signs of anything but the pain he was in, McCoy knew that Spock was aware of what was happening around him, he was just barely able to communicate with them. Someone as proud as Spock would be ashamed of his inability to control himself, even if it was through extreme sickness that caused it. Vulcans were proud of the way they had control over there bodies. Spock could barely control his right now. In fact, what McCoy had woken too he guessed that Spock might be losing more control as time went on. Jim really needed to find out what they'd done to Spock and if they could help him at all. 

McCoy cleaned the floor and cleaned down the bed, changing everything so that the bedding would be clean for when Spock was finished. He peered back in to check on his patient and saw that the Vulcan sat the same as he'd left him. Worry gnawed at him. He felt damn helpless. He finished off cleaning the room and then headed into wash Spock.

oOo 

Spock had become aware that Dr McCoy had fallen asleep.

He had refused to leave Spock's side, even when Nurse Chapel had badgered him about getting some food and rest. McCoy had taken the discussion outside the room, but Spock had still heard everything.   
Chapel had come by sometime later and dropped in a tray of food for the stubborn Doctor. He'd muttered his thanks to her and sat in the chair, eating the food with relish. Clearly, the doctor wasn't looking after himself.   
Not long after he'd consumed the food had sleep consumed him. 

It was thoughtful of the Doctor to be so attuned to him but there was a sense of relief at some time where he felt he had some solitude for a little while.   
He attempted to clear the fog in his mind, tried to meditate but found that no matter how he tried to bring his mind to peace the heat prickling against him and the sensitivity of his skin, even still and untouched made it impossible. He was all too aware of the heat and the pain and he would gain no comfort in his mind. He tried to think of a solution to the problem, something McCoy might not think of but this too seemed beyond him. His body and mind seemed to be at war and he had no way to bridge the two back together.   
With no else to do, he lay still on the bed and allowed himself to rest. He slept for a sort while before a strange warmth woke him and he realised with shame that he was urinating.   
There had been no pre-warning, no signal to his mind that he needed to relieve himself it had simply happened. The smell wafted up to his nostrils and he was disgusted with himself, despite knowing that it had been beyond his control, such a simple thing shouldn't have been. 

The smell seemed to grow stale and strengthen and soon enough, he felt him self start to heave. He was over come with humiliation as he realised McCoy was stirring but despite himself, he called out for the Doctor. 

Foul tasting bile forced it's way up his throat and out of his mouth as he struggled to turn his body enough so that it hit the floor but he couldn't manage it, not with the pain the movements caused. The bile burnt his throat as it flowed out of him hitting the bed and once he was finished, he collapsed back onto the bed, pain flaring in him and heat washing over his body so intense that if he didn't know any better he would have assumed he was actually burning. He had vaguely been aware of McCoy giving the voice command to lock the doors and he was grateful that only McCoy would see his shame. 

His body convulsed every now and then as he lay recovering, McCoy having gone through to the next room. He could hear water running and assumed that the doctor would clean him in the bath. It made the most sense, seeing how sensitive his skin was now. He felt he should have been ashamed at the help he needed getting to and into the bath, but it was starting to fade away now. He simply could not complete these tasks without some aide and it'd be foolish to be embarrassed about such things with a Doctor present. Once Spock was rested into the tub, he could hear the Doctor cleaning up after Spock's accidents.   
Inwardly, he sighed. There would be no choice for the Doctor but to use a catheter and colostomy bag. Spock shivered at the thought but it would be less humiliating than soiling the bed again. 

McCoy came back into the room and knelt down beside the tub. “I'm just going to clean you up a bit,” he said as he grabbed a wash cloth and started to clean Spock's body for him. 

oOo

Kirk and McCoy sat in a briefing room. 

It was the first time he'd left Spock under the care of someone else and he felt anxious about the very fact he was leaving him, even if it was with Nurse Chapel. He left her simple instructions- don't touch Spock, stay with him in case he needed anything and if he needed anything, call McCoy immediately. 

“Well, Jim?” McCoy queried as they sat in the briefing room.

“I got nothing.” He said clearly frustrated. He detailed what he'd found out about the Feng people. 

“He's definitely feeling the pain.” McCoy added. “It makes sense what he's said. Spock's mind is hazy at best. And the connection between body and mind does seemed to be severely compromised. Besides pain, I don't think his mind registers anything else. He doesn't ask for food or water because his mind doesn't receive signals from his body that he needs these things.”

“Is there anything we can do, in your opinion.” 

“I would suggest we go to Vulcan and see if they have a solution. But, we'll have to make sure this thing isn't infectious to other Vulcans or he could wipe out the planet.”

Kirk nodded “And what about until then? Spock is a prisoner right now, is there anything you can come up with?” 

“I'll try, Jim, but I can't promise anything.”

oOo

Spock's days varied very little. Three days now he'd been in sick bay and he felt his mind haze over in blankness at the tediousness of laying so still and keeping so quiet. He yearned for stimulation but he could do so little himself that it seemed pointless asking for anything. 

McCoy had left Spock's care to Nurse Chapel now. He'd been in a couple of times to check on Spock, but he clearly was preoccupied when he visited and barely stayed longer than he needed too before heading out again. It was understandable though. Spock knew there was little they could do for him and the reality was, even having Nurse Chapel there with him constantly was a waste of her resources. Perhaps he could convey as much to the Doctor the next time he stopped by for a visit. Kirk visited him when he could and kept him updated on what they were doing. He got a sense of Jim's efforts to keep his morale up while he was there. 

As it drifted into the fourth day Kirk, McCoy and Mr Scott all but burst into the room, each of them looking delighted. If he could, Spock would have raised his eyebrows and their dramatic entrance but all in all, he felt it wasn't worth the pain. Nurse Chapel made a discreet exit. 

“We may have some good news for you, Mr Spock.” 

“Scotty and I have been working on a device to help you out. Something to stop your brain receiving signals from your body of the pain you're in.”

“There's clearly something not right. Gentle touch and simple movements obviously should cause this much pain.” Kirk added in. 

“It may need some fine tuning, Mr Spock,” Scotty added “But we wanted to test it out, to see if it worked at all.” 

“Would that be okay with you?” Kirk asked. 

“Yes, Captain,” Spock answered.

“It's designed to go in the back of the neck, if you could sit up for us, Spock.” Bones asked. 

Spock nodded and slowly sat himself up. “This might hurt a wee bit,” Scotty warned as McCoy took the small device and pierced it into the skin. The main device stayed above the skin but two needle like devices entered into the skin and into Spock's spinal cord. He jerked in pain as the device was inserted correctly. 

“Okay, I'm going to switch it on now. It might not make a difference straight away.” McCoy warned. Using a small hand held device he switched the unit on. 

Kirk, who was watching Spock's monitors for his pain levels noticed that they dipped almost instantly. 

“How does it feel, Mr Spock?” Scotty asked, eagerly. 

McCoy didn't press for a response. He simply watched as Spock tested the the device with a small movement on his finger and then his wrist before moving his arm, slowly and carefully. 

“The pain is manageable,” he declared. 

“Still high though,” Kirk muttered, looking at Spock's readings. 

“They are not gone,” Spock clarified. “But I would be able to have some movement without the overwhelming pain from before.”

“I think we can make make it work a little better, make a few adjustments....” Scotty suggested. 

“If I may gentlemen, it has been exhausting in it's own way to be so incapable. It would be nice to enjoy the device for a short while before any adjustments are made.”

“I think that's a very fair point,” Kirk said, backing up Spock's need to have some time to enjoy a little freedom.

“Doctor, I also do not see the need to remain in sick bay and be watched 24 hours a day.” Spock added, enjoying being able to speak freely. “Even without the device, there is no need for me to be constantly monitored. I am not in danger of death and your medicine and machines in sick bay can do little for me.”

McCoy nodded. “I agree Mr Spock. You'll probably be more comfortable in your quarters but I do insist on walking you there. The device is very good, but you've been off your feet more than 96 hours  
. The last thing I need is you back in sick bay with a different injury. So do me that one favour, okay.”

“That is agreeable, Doctor.” Spock said nodding. 

Kirk moved closer and gently lay his hand on Spock's arm. There was a spike in the pain read out which settled after the touch was initiated and remained. “Still a little sensitive,” Kirk remarked. “And the temperature's barely gone down.”

“Give it some time, Jim. We'll give Spock a few hours with the device and when he's ready, he can call sick bay and me and Scotty can make a few adjustments, see if we can trim those figures down a little more.”

“What about your mind, Spock? Is there any chance you can get into a healing trance now?”

Spock looked at McCoy a little alarmed. “Captain, I feel you misunderstand,” Spock started. 

McCoy took over for him. “This isn't healing him, Jim, this is stopping him from realising he's hurt. If there's a chance his mind and body can be synced together again, that'll have to be done on Vulcan. All we're doing is preventing his mind from realising how much his body is hurt.”

“I thought the pain wasn't real. That it was being made worse by his mind?” Jim asked. 

“Sadly not, Jim. Body and mind are attacked individually. The pain is real. The nerve endings have been sensitised in such a way that it's all painful to him. And the healing trance won't work because there is no connection between Spock's body and mind right now. It would be like him trying to heal another persons body, just not possible.”

“Would you mind if I went to my quarters, Captain.” Spock interrupted. 

“Of course, Spock.” Kirk said, attempting a smile. 

McCoy gave Kirk a look to say 'we'll continue this when I get back'.

OOo

When McCoy returned a short while later, 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kirk and Scotty were surprised to see Bones return with the device in his hands. 

“Every thing okay?” Kirk asked. 

“Once he got back to his quarters and talked to me for a bit he was exhausted. He's not been able to meditate and he's not slept in sick bay. I think it's a relief to know he can get some normality back. Anyway, he was resigned to sleeping so I asked if he minded me taking the device to tweak it a little and he was fine with that so I said I'd get it back to him in the morning.”

“He did seem a little... brighter,” Kirk mused. 

“We just need to keep an eye on him. Make sure he doesn't over do things.” McCoy hesitated slightly. “Make sure that the connection his lost isn't too distressing for him.”

“You think it's a problem?” 

“I don't know, Jim. Spock's acting every inch the Vulcan we know him to be, but quite frankly, he's just not wired up the same way as he was before. I can't even begin to know the differences this 'separating' is causing him. I have to trust him to tell me the differences he's experiencing and even that isn't the safest thing to do. Not that I don't trust Spock, but his very essence is wrong right now and all we can do is hope that once we get to Vulcan, they can help us out with this and rebuild the damage done.”

oOo

The first day or two after the device was fitted, Spock seemed to have a renewed spark within himself. 

But suddenly Spock stopped his visits outside of his quarters and remained more or less house bound, or as much as a man could on board a starship. 

Kirk tried to give Spock some time to himself but Spock was still easily exhausted, battling the constant pain. It may have been manageable but Spock was having to manage that pain as a human. All the Vulcan disciplines he constantly used were locked in his mind and the two parts were almost foreign to one another now. 

McCoy had been making regular visits to Spock and noticed with concern the difference in Spock's behaviour. He and Jim discussed it and Scott and McCoy decided in a large ditch attempt to help they would try and increase the power of the device to block out all pain sensors Spock was experiencing.   
It took them most of the night to work on perfecting the unit but they triumphantly took it back in the morning and reattached it to the same place on Spock's neck where the puncture wounds already existed. 

The affect was instant. There was nothing.   
It was as though it were as simple as switch off a light. No pain. No feeling at all.   
He tested one arm and poked the skin with his finger. He watched the movement, watched the finger dip into the skin slightly but he felt no sensation   
“I feel nothing.” 

oOo


	17. White Heat (version 2)

The water did not ripple. 

Head bowed tiredly, his own pale naked legs were in front of him, knees raised out of the water. And his arm hung at his sides, like they were weighed down heavily. 

He didn't move at all, just breathed. Blinked.   
He could smell vomit, taste it on his tongue still, and urine. Even in the water he couldn't stop the memory of the hot liquid seeping into the mattress and cooling against his skin as he lay in his own mess, voice unable to rouse the sleeping doctor. The retching, bought on by his own stench, had woken the doctor.   
The relief he felt when he saw the doctor rise from the chair. If he could have smiled, he would have. 

~

McCoy cursed himself for falling asleep. 

He should have had someone else take over from him, to save Spock the humiliation he was certain the proud Vulcan would be feeling right now, but he was trying to do the right thing. The idea of one of the nurses standing over Spock while he was so helpless didn't sit right with McCoy.   
He knew that if it were Jim, or Spock in his position, he'd chew them out over it. He knew that if he could, Spock would tell the doctor to rest so he could perform his duties adequately. But it wasn't Jim here in sickbay with Spock, and the Vulcan was barely able to say more than two words to anyone. 

When Spock had come to him in sickbay, just before McCoy's shift was about to finish, McCoy had raised his eyebrows in surprise. But he'd kept his mouth shut. Spock wasn't one to bother with sickbay very often, so turning up of his own need was a rarity and he didn't want to drive the man away before he'd spoken a word.   
Spock was suffering from nothing more severe than a headache, but it had increased in intensity and had lasted several day, according to Spock. McCoy had questioned Spock's need for assistance, giving his Vulcan ability to control pain, but Spock confessed he'd been unable to do much to relieve the increasing pressure.   
McCoy gave him something to help and told him that if it wasn't any better in the morning he was to report back to sickbay. 

Giving he'd said those words to Spock, he really didn't expect to see the Vulcan again, much less receive a call when he was in his quarters almost ready to call it quits for the night, asking him if he could go to Spock's quarters.   
While Spock sounded fine, maybe a little strained, McCoy knew that it couldn't be good news. He knew the Vulcan well enough to know if he could, he'd have gone to McCoy himself, not summoned him.   
Spock permitted McCoy's entrance when he buzzed at the door. He was sat at the desk, apparently awaiting McCoy's arrival. 

“Spock,” McCoy said as the door closed behind him. 

“Doctor. May I ask if the drug you gave me earlier had any side effects.”

“Why, what's going on?” McCoy pressed. At Spock's look, McCoy knew he would await his own question being answered first. “It's fine for a Vulcan. Should have no side affects. So tell me what's happening, or do I have to find out myself?” McCoy indicated to his scanner which he hadn't used on Spock yet. 

“Doctor, I did invite you here. I am not likely to hide information from you,” Spock reminded him. “The pain in my head is still as it was, however I have started to experience new sensations. The pain is shooting down my neck through my spinal cord. And I feel pain in my hands and fingers, as you know, the hands are a very sensitive area for Vulcans. It is most unpleasant.”

McCoy brow furrowed, as his gaze dropped to Spock's hands which were clasped together in his lap. “Anything else?”

Spock nodded once. “My temperature is running higher than normal. I have had to reduce the temperature by 5 degrees in my quarters to accommodate.” Spock hesitated a moment. “I am also finding my ability to function adequately... challenged.” he settled. It wasn't the ideal word to describe it but he couldn't settle on the correct word.

McCoy frowned. “I think you should come back to sickbay with me,” McCoy stated. He'd expected Spock to fight it but the Vulcan simply nodded. He watched as Spock seemed to register a pained expression momentarily as he got to his feet but then composed himself. They headed to sickbay together. 

That was four days ago and Spock had progressively gotten worse day by day.   
The first day his temperature had continued to soar until McCoy had moved him into a private room so he could keep the temperature lower. He usually had the opposite issue with Spock with regards to his temperature.   
The second day Spock had more trouble articulating himself and by the end of the day, the pain was everywhere. Any movement he made caused pain to spike through him.   
The third day Spock progressed into agony. He would not move unless vital and every movement caused him severe discomfort. Day four and Spock seemed to have little knowledge of his bodily functions. He didn't notice even basic needs of his body. Spock was always so in tune with himself, with his needs and this was unnerving. He didn't request any food or drink, which he had still done the day before. 

And now Spock had to endure the humiliation of even the most basic bodily function being beyond him.   
As soon as McCoy realised what had happened, he'd hated himself. He should never have let it happen. But that didn't matter as much as tending to Spock did right then. He wheeled the bed into the next room and made some adjustments to the therapy tub to make it comfortable for Spock. He lifted Spock as much as he could, the Vulcan was heavier than his thin frame let on, and shifted him across into the heated water. Once he was in, McCoy pulled off Spock's soiled clothing quickly and professionally and then left him as he cleared the mess left behind.   
The soiled items were disposed of, the vomit cleaned away quickly. McCoy wanted Spock back in bed resting as soon as possible. 

He was distracted by a grunt of pain from Spock. He turned quickly to see the Vulcan's body tensed and trembling.   
“Spock?” he called as he rushed to the Vulcan's side.   
He watched in terror as Spock's body convulsed in some sort of seizure that became more aggressive the longer it lasted. The water splashed about, arms and legs flailing slightly in the restricted space. Spock's head hung backwards against the edge of the tub, eyes rolled back into his head. As the seizure continued, McCoy noticed what must be a dramatic increase in Spock's temperature as steam began to rise from the water. He reached for Spock's shoulder in a desperate attempt to comfort, but he drew his hand away at the heat radiating from him.   
And then just as suddenly as it started, Spock's body stopped moving and he lay perfectly still, eyes closed, mouth partly open as the water stilled around him gradually.   
He felt for a pulse against the burning skin and found one.

His body sagged in relief as he went down to his knees. 

2.

Spock remained unconscious. 

His condition remained the same, temperature too high, pain levels too high. The lack of consciousness meant that at least they could cater to his lack of body functions without arising suspicion, not that McCoy had allowed any other visitors. He had allowed Nurse Carter to assist whenever he needed it and to take over from him when being Spock's loan carer became too much. But Carter was a woman who was very capable of discretion. He picked her for that quality, knowing she would not break confidentiality with whatever she witnessed.

Day after day became the same with Spock's condition. And McCoy wondered if this would be it now. No change to the sickly Vulcan, trapped inside an uncooperative body. Yet he wasn't able to dwell on that too long when Spock's weakened body shook with a violent seizure. McCoy had barely straightened the Vulcan out from one when another rocked him. He suffered several more throughout the day, some not as severe as the first couple and McCoy was certain with each new attack, the Vulcan would simply slip away , too weak too fight any longer.   
But Vulcan bodies were tougher than that. And after a day full of endless worry, Spock went into night not having suffered an attack for several hours. 

~

Spock felt like he was pushing through the darkness of his mind. It was almost never ending and he wondered if he'd ever find a way to find the light again. 

But slowly, he started to get there. A slow return to consciousness and with some force, he made his eyes open to the brightness of a private room in sickbay. He blinked at the brightness of the room, closing his eyes for long periods in between as he struggled to grow used to the light.   
He registered a familiar sound, but his mind was too disorientated to process it and the longer he struggled to regain full consciousness and clarity, the more he realised attaining it was proving almost impossible. 

“Spock?” came a familiar voice beside him. He felt rather than saw someone looming beside him but he didn't look towards the man. “Carter, contact Kirk and ask him to report to sickbay. Then get yourself a break, okay?”

Spock felt a tentative grip on his face which lifted his head, turned it towards the man in the room. “Spock? Can you understand me?” 

Spock looked at the man for a moment before a small nod and he lowered his head, looked back down to the bed. 

McCoy hovered close by, wanting to help the Vulcan however he could but was unsure how. He was concerned by what sort of damage could have been inflicted by Spock's prolonged illness and it would take tests to uncover the truth. But Spock needed time. Time to adjust and fully heal from what he'd been through. “How do you feel?” McCoy pressed, eager to get a word of communication from the Vulcan.

Spock looked towards the doctor, his face displaying a disorientation and confusion that wasn't at home on the Vulcan's usual stoic face. “I am... well,” was Spock's careful answer, his voice lacking strength from it's lack of use. 

“The pain,” McCoy started as the door opened and Kirk entered. “Has it gone?” McCoy pressed. The readings showed Spock was suffering no strong readings of pain, but he wanted Spock to verbalise it. 

“I feel no pain,” Spock answered. He had heard the door open but felt no need to see who had entered. He did not wish to be seen while he was still so weak, by any one. 

“Bones?” Kirk asked. 

“Go and wait in my office,” McCoy said, maybe sensing some discomfort from Spock. Kirk left without any argument and Spock tried to recall what had happened to him. “How long?” he asked, trying to use his impeccable time sense but had no chance with being unconscious. 

“You came to Sickbay eight days ago. You've been unconscious for the last 4 days.” Spock made little reaction to that news. 

“I feel...” Spock started and then seemed to search for the word. “different.” was what he settled on. 

McCoy checked over readings and found nothing showing up differently. “You've been very sick, Spock. It might take some time for you to feel yourself again. But...” he turned away ad grabbed a hypospray. “this should help.”  
McCoy watched the monitors for a change. The pain reading spiked slightly as he gave Spock the shot but otherwise nothing changed. “There. Feel better.”

“I feel nothing,” Spock said blankly. “I-” he frowned slightly. “I do not feel anything. Neither hot not cold. I can not sense your presence in this room.”

McCoy felt a little alarmed. “Well you know I'm here, Spock.” 

“I know you are here because I can see and hear you. I should sense you. There is something wrong.”

“Now listen it might just be because your mind and body is exhausted from the ordeal it's been through. You should rest and let me worry about that.”

“Rest?” Spock repeated. 

“Rest.” McCoy assured him. 

“Yes. That would be pleasant.” Spock agreed. He closed his eyes. 

McCoy watched him for several minutes before leaving the Vulcan alone.


	18. Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just couldn't bear to write this after what happened to Anton.

The room was dark and he was in bed. 

He was home on Vulcan, long since gone.   
His bedroom was as he remembered it, his bed felt as safe and warm in his mind as it did as a child. But there was something lurking beyond his room, beyond the safety it gave him. Shuffling through the darkness of the hallway there was... something.   
It menaced him and he knew, with certainty that he needed to stay still and quiet as the large humanoid creature came into his room.  
And he knew, somehow, that whatever it was could not see him if he didn't move.   
So he stayed as still as he could, not daring to move an inch as he watched it through partially closed eyes. 

It did not see him and it turned and left the room. 

He felt relief flood through him but he was up and moving to the edge of the door watching the creature move through the house.   
But he hadn't been quiet enough.   
It turned it's face towards him slowly.   
Looked right at him and started towards him. 

~

Spock's eyelids fluttered, cracking open slightly. 

“Spock?” Came a voice close by. 

“I did not like that,” he muttered, eyes slipping shut again, sleep reclaiming him. 

Kirk watched as Spock struggled for a brief moment, not wanting to revisit wherever he'd just been but too tired to resist the allure of sleep. His breathing evened out and he was asleep again. 

“You talking to him?” came a gentle voice from the door. 

McCoy had slipped in at some point, quieter than Kirk imaged he could be. “He woke up.” 

“He did? You should have called me.”

“I didn't have time. He was barely coherent. Just muttered a sentence and went back to sleep.”

“Sounds like he's not going to be out that much longer.”

“Good. I don't want him to wake up after we reach New Vulcan and just expect him to cope with this on his own.”

“Jim-”

“It's not right. We can spare him a couple of days, to adjust, right?”

“I don't know. Is it going to make it any easier on him if we do?”

“It couldn't be any worse.”

~

If McCoy hadn't known the crew member flying the shuttle car, if he hadn't been there and seen the whole thing, he'd have thought the accident was no accident at all. 

He'd been there with Jim and Spock as they discussed their plans for the rest of shore leave. It had been nice. Relaxed and friendly and Spock had left to visit a lecture (A Vulcan's idea of 'fun' on shore leave, McCoy had joked) and he and Jim were going to grab some lunch and hit some bars later.   
And that was that.   
They all parted and it was only a few minutes later that they heard the crash.   
They raced over to help, the instinct natural to them and Bones was in full doctor mode, assessing the situation and what potentially he could be faced with. The car was bent in at the front and glass shattered everywhere from the building it crashed into.   
As they got closer, Jim was ordering people back. 

Bones reached for the hover car and was prying the door open. 

He noticed the blood seeping from a wound on the head of the passenger and the way she trembled. The vehicle was badly dented but she wasn't trapped and then he noticed her face. “Andrea?” Bones gasped, one of the ensigns who served on the bridge.   
He'd noticed her on a few occasions when he'd been bugging Jim over one thing or another. Always a wry smile at the banter between the pair. 

“Doctor McCoy, I'm so sorry, I jus-”

“Hey, you've got nothing to be sorry for. It was an accident, okay?” he reassured her. 

She looked at him for a moment, blank and unsure before the words stumbled out “But I hit him.”

“Bones!” Jim yelled and he tore himself away from Andrea telling her to sit tight. He dropped down next to Jim and saw Spock, unconscious trapped between the building and the wrecked car. 

~

Spock gasped awake. 

McCoy peered down at the Vulcan. “It's okay, Spock. You're going to be fine.”

“Fine.” Spock repeated.   
Fine was unacceptable.


End file.
